“WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”
Brunty’s unimpressed with speed at all costs and ponders starting a new movement in protest…
Attention all cycling designers – stand in the corner of the room and think about what you’ve done. I refer of course to the Lease-a-Bike-Visma time-trial helmet sported by Jonas Vingegaard at Tirreno-Adriatico in March. Although it was hailed by its creators as a breakthrough in aero design, people of my generation will remember it first appearing in the late
1980s in the Mel Brooks’ Star Wars spoof Spaceballs on the head of an arch-villain called Dark Helmet. The first time I see anyone wearing one I will go up to them and shout, “Ludicrous Speed… Go!” ( Spaceballs gag, look it up on YouTube, you won’t be disappointed).
INSANE SEARCH FOR SPEED
There has always been a slightly insane aspect to cycling design, and the quest for ludicrous speed has led to some crazy innovations over the years. We’ve seen long socks, saddles with big holes in them, triangular handlebars, Softride bikes, drinks bottles between tri bars, turned-in shifters, plastic aero covers for road helmets, aero pulley wheel covers, rear bottle cages (my pet hate) and a whole lot more. Sadly, all of them forgot the golden rule of cycling, which is that it’s not how fast you go on a bike, it’s how good you look.
Lately the fad is for big helmets, while last year at the Tour de France, Specialized introduced a helmet with an ‘integrated head sock’, which are not words that should ever belong in the same sentence. But why does any of this matter to us in the age-group tri world? Well, because as with all cycling fads, this stuff will start appearing in tri within 18 months as some of the more moneyed members of our sport seek to gain a couple of seconds on the rest of us by placing an enormous swing-bin-lid on their heads. Aero helmets are a common feature of triathlon now, but I well remember when they first appeared. In fact, I can recall the precise moment I first saw one at a race because the wearer put it on back to front so that the pointy end was facing forward, and I stopped other people around us from telling him so I could watch him running with his bike out of T1 like a giant toucan.
JOIN THE TTC
I should confess I briefly tried an aero helmet about 10 years ago and wore one at both Ironman Lanzarote and Ironman Austria, but decided to discontinue this foolishness because in the former it boiled my brain. In the latter I ended up with a bad back after holding the aero position for longer than was good for me without having a crafty sit up.
All this has got me wondering if there isn’t some mileage in creating a ‘Traditional Triathlon Club’, which is free of such innovations and instead favours tried-and-tested tri kit that prioritises fashion over form and style over substance. Membership would involve:
• A rucksack or bag for life to carry your kit in rather than a box that you try to balance on your bars.
• A one-piece sleeveless tri-suit in a dull colour that leaves at least one part of your shoulders exposed to sunburn.
• A wetsuit with full length arms and legs – none of that shorty or cut-off arms business.
• A road bike with clip-on aerobars and wire bottle cage on the down tube where nature intended.
• No long socks – just ankle socks or no socks at all if you’ve got the gnarly feet for it.
• No enormous platform running shoes that make you look like Lady Gaga.
Finally, I must stress that although it’s an old-school look, I draw the line at the return of cycling and running in cropped vest and speedos. I don’t think anyone is yearning for that to return, least of all the spectating public. I like to think I’m quite svelte but even I look like I’m running while wearing a rubber ring in that get-up.
“They’ve forgotten, it’s not how fast you go on a bike, it’s how good you look”