INSIDE LANE
When did you realise you were funny?
I grew up on the same block as my 22 cousins, and we’re all around the same age, so we were constantly together.
I was kind of the show- pony for the family: “Oh, look what Matteo can do!” I was always doing impressions, singing, imitating people on TV.
Do you think it was partly that classic thing of using humour to deflect attention from your sexuality?
I think it’s a combination. I grew up in a family which communicates through humour. But also, yeah, you add on all those layers — going through middle school, everyone starts falling into their gender roles and you’re like,
“Uh, oh!” when you realise you’re gay. But I wasn’t clever enough or funny enough to use that as a defence. When I was called “faggot” I would just shut
Painter, illustrator, opera singer, comedian — MATTEO LANE has done it all. The ITALIANAMERICAN virtuoso may look like a hunky, reallife version of Mario Kart’s Luigi, but he opens
up about being weird and insecure
down. I don’t think I became proud of my humour until I was in college and came out, then I started caring less about what people thought. I think it’s different today, but in my time we didn’t have a Tyler Oakley.
When did you first realise that you were different?
Around the age of four or five. I think most kids are fine up until they’re seven, then everyone becomes a little more self- aware. I grew up in Chicago, and was just hyper aware that the things I liked were not the same as other boys liked. Most gay people go through that. You live on the outside a bit.
When did you start to feel comfortable with that?
I came out when I was 18. I baby- step everything, I always need someone to pull me there. I had a friend who I went to college with, and he was just so much stronger than me and he was able to laugh about being gay in a way that was empowering. Once I became friends with him, I started to really own it. It took someone else’s strength to teach me how to do it. I’m just too sensitive.
Where do you think that sensitivity comes from?
I’m intrinsically an artist. I sing opera, I’m an illustrator, I painted in Italy, I do comedy. That’s where my brain goes and I think subconsciously you have to draw on a lot of sensitivity to create. Back then it was like a weakness, but now I think: “Well, it’s just who I am,” and because of it I’m able to express myself more.
When did you start doing comedy?
When I saw Joan Rivers; I was 20. It was the most powerful, eye- opening experience I’ve ever had in my
entire life. I couldn’t believe how captivating she was and felt she was speaking directly to me. Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho were also huge influences because it was the first time I’d heard anyone speak about gay people in a positive way. They changed my life because when I was a kid, gay people were the butt of the joke.
You’ve highlighted three female comedy icons; why do you think that is?
There’s no world- famous gay male comedian. They do not exist. The closest thing to a gay man speaking was an 81- year- old Jewish woman who was furious. I will always be grateful to Joan Rivers.
What are the cornerstones of your comedy?
Typically, it’s catharsis. I have a little bit of a rage on stage; not in a mean way. A lot of it comes down to just being sick of explaining myself to straight people, that I’m just trying to be me at my most. I’m just trying my best to not allow the patriarchy to tell me how I’m supposed to live.
What are your biggest insecurities?
Not feeling good about how I look, not feeling good about myself. And I understand that it’s because I’m a total mess. I think because I want to be liked so much, I seek validation through superficial things. I have completely transformed my body and I still feel like shit. I actually feel most attractive when I’m on stage because I’m in control and I’m being myself. I’m sure there’s narcissism there.
Do you see your body as a tool for your comedy, as part of your brand?
Of course. Comedians are one of those few breeds who’ll do anything to get an audience. I work with a lot of queer artists and photographers who want to take interesting photos, and I understand I’m not a model so a lot of it is funny. I use that because I know people will look at it superficially. People will look at me and think, “Oh, he looks a certain way,” then they’ll follow me and that’s me being like, “Ha ha, I’m also funny, please come to my show.”
Why do you think very few comedians have good bodies?
I don’t know… The comedy world has been set by cis, straight, white men, so however they act is kind of the way everyone else feels they need to act in comedy. That’s why I love queer comics, women and people of colour because they break the rules. And there are some comedians who have great bodies: Godfrey has an amazing body, Whitney Cummings is beautiful.
Do you think there’s a sense that you can’t be funny if you’re attractive?
I’m sure that’s it, but I try to prove
them wrong every night. Just
because I have a certain body doesn’t mean I’m not funny.
Do you think the gay community has a problem with looking at people with great bodies and thinking they must be stupid?
Yeah, but the gays judge everyone. You walk into a gay bar and it’s just a room of side- eye. It doesn’t matter what I look like, people will find a way to hate me, so I might as well look the way I want to. I used to be 20lbs lighter than I am now. My sister’s a personal trainer, so I said to her, “I wanna look a certain way and I wanna feel good about myself.” I’m also very into routine, and my life is so hectic, but I know at least for an hour a day, if I’m at the gym, it’s my time. So, I’ve grown to like it.
What do you do to maintain your body, what’s your routine?
It’s very simple: it’s eating healthily and going to the gym to work on my muscles.
Do you find it also helps your mental health?
I feel calmer, I prefer the way I look, and it releases endorphins. You feel better. When I was very skinny, I was probably more insecure than I am now. And I hated those muscle guys. I remember one time there was a muscle guy in the audience and I was like, “Can you sing?” and he goes: “No.” I ask: “Do you do maths?” and he replies, “No,” and I said: “Stay stupid.” But that was coming from a place of me not liking how I looked.
You’re not a drinker either, are you?
I don’t drink a lot — maybe one drink a month. I was never a drinker, I’m not someone who is drawn to drugs, alcohol, altering my state of consciousness… I’m fine. I do have synaesthesia, which is where your senses are overlapped, so I see colours with numbers and letters, and when I hear music, I see colour. So, I’m already kind of on acid all the time. Isn’t that weird? I remember being four and asking my mom to play the “orange song” — I was talking about Barbra Streisand’s Don’t Rain On My Parade
[ from Funny Girl]. And I still see the same colours. I’m a pretty weird person.
Did you always value that weirdness?
I used to hate it. When I was at school, we didn’t celebrate people as individuals. We were not celebrating people’s self- expression, we were celebrating conformity. As an adult, I’ve tried to dig in and find the things that separated me and use that as a strength.
You’re of Italian heritage — does Italian cuisine make it more difficult to maintain a figure?
Real Italians have the healthiest diet in the world: the Mediterranean diet. And we’re from Sicily, so it’s a lot of seafood, and pasta’s not bad for you if you’re not eating a mountain of it and drowning it in sauce full of sugar. If you’re sautéing fresh tomatoes with olive oil and garlic, and throw that on a bowl of penne, that’s not bad for you.
What’s your favourite Italian dish?
Carbonara. I still think about a couple of carbonaras I had in Italy. Have you ever cried when you’ve eaten a meal?
All the time. Going back to your look, I want to talk about your moustache…
I’ve had stubble since I was 14, but the moustache became more prominent when I started doing comedy. I think I look good with a moustache. A lot of people hate it. I can’t believe a patch of hair offends people that much. It proportions my face and makes me look better.
They’re typically seen as something quite “masc”, aren’t they? Where do you see yourself on that scale?
Don’t you hate the term masc? I see myself as a gay man. How masc are you when there’s a dick in your mouth?
Just shut up. I think the best part of being gay is that we have our foot in both worlds, both masc and femme. We’re allowed to celebrate both of those things, and I don’t see one as weaker than the other. That’s what’s great about RUPAUL’s Drag Race, it challenges everyone’s idea of what it means to be a man. Essentially, what we’re taught as kids is that masculinity is the opposite of femininity and that masculinity is to be cherished. In reality, everyone’s just a blend and we should celebrate both of those things without looking at one as better or worse than the other. We all went through some deep- shit trauma growing up, and as a whole, the gay community has a lot of healing to do. We should just be nicer to each other.
Do you ever find yourself censoring your more camp or feminine side in public?
If I go to certain states to do shows in small towns, I try to lessen it, but that’s because I’m trying to protect
myself. I think every gay goes through that. Some of my friends are from the middle of Tennessee or Alabama, and they really do have to tone it down when they go home.
Do you think that part of your motivation for working out is trying to balance out your…
No, it’s all vanity, I wanna get fucked. That’s all it is, that’s how insecure I am.
Does it work?
Yeah, I got a boyfriend. I was single for nine years, but I’ve finally got a fucking boyfriend.
What does that say?
I think it’s sad. But I also could’ve found a boyfriend with how I looked before. You know, it’s just my own insecurities. That’s a constant battle with me. I’ll never walk around thinking, “Oh, I look so good.” And I think it shows, I don’t think I come off as confident. When I walk into a gay club, I shut down because I know I’m being judged by how I look. When I walk into a comedy club, I feel great because I’m being judged by my jokes and my brain. I wish I had confidence. And this is the best I’m ever going to look.
What are the personality traits and physical things that you like and don’t like?
I like that I’m really driven; I think I have a lot of natural capabilities and talents and I have become successful in those worlds. I enjoy sacrifice and I enjoy the work, and now I like it because I think, “God, if I was working nine- to- five in a cubicle, I’d be dead.” It took years of sacrifice to get me to this point. My least favourite part about my personality is that I’m probably too controlling, or try to micro- manage too much.
What about your physical traits? What do you like most when you look in the mirror?
Umm, I have a nice butt. I guess that’s it.
What about the bits you don’t like?
I don’t like my hair and I hate my Adam’s apple. My biggest insecurity is my hair. But as my boyfriend would say: “You need to relax!” That’s something I could afford to do.