REAL BODIES

Office manager by day and burlesque performer by night, Phil Dzwonkiewicz talks about his body insecurities and how his HIV+ diagnosis affected his confidence

Burlesque performer Phil Dzwonkiewicz is such a tease

My relationship with my body has changed over the years. I was a skinny waif until I was about 16, then my metabolism started to slow down. Around the same time, I started working in a restaurant and began to gain weight — something my family is genetically prone to do.

I became a dancer and started working out in the gym, which helped me shed the fat — but even then, all I saw in the mirror was a chubby guy. Those teenage years can shape the perception of your body for the rest of your life.

For most of my twenties, I was quite twinky. My main ambition was to be on stage in Chicago but I kept getting told I was too slim. I started having private training sessions and bulking up, and eventually landed a part when I was 27. Being around other dancers, I couldn’t help but constantly compare my body with theirs, and never feeling quite happy with how I looked. We are constantly bombarded with images of perfect bodies, in the media and on Instagram, but I like how there is a growing movement by a lot of fitness professionals to debunk the quick- fix myths and to show how the images that we see may not quite represent reality.

Now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve learnt to stop comparing myself with those around me or online, instead holding myself to my own standards. I know what shape I can achieve when I put my mind to it. That said, I have several jobs: I’m an office manager at a law firm, I dance and do male burlesque, and I volunteer at an HIV charity, so with all that going on, the gym is one thing that can slip. Even so, I would say, I am pretty comfortable with my body. It goes through phases, and if I don’t make it to the gym for a while I feel my self- esteem drop, but I think once you strike a balance between work and life then you generally feel better about everything. It’s all about finding that balance.

I think I look good for 36, and the salt- andpepper hair has arrived which I quite like. We all have our good and bad days with regards to our appearance, and I find it funny that you will get a compliment sometimes when you think you’re looking your worst. It just goes to show that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Physically, I think my best asset is my chest. I like that I seem to be able to build size pretty easily — although the same could be said for my least favourite body part: my lower abs and love handles, which seem to attract any weight that I put on when I slack off in the gym or have a couple of nights out with friends.

I fell into burlesque quite randomly. UK burlesque legend Miss Polly Rae had been wanting to use guys in her show for a while, and she came to see me in Chicago with a mutual friend. We started chatting, but it wasn’t until a year later while I was doing a show in Germany that we touched base again.

By that time I’d decided that I wanted to

“I like how there is a movement to

debunk all the quick- fix myths”

do something different from musical theatre and that’s when my first act was born. It’s helped shape my body image in a more positive way — there are men and women of all shapes and sizes in burlesque, taking charge of their sexuality and not worrying that they’ll never be able to please everyone.

For some people, I’m too hairy, or too muscly, while for others I’m not hairy enough, or not muscly enough. But confidence is by far the sexiest thing.

I was diagnosed with HIV 11 years ago, and initially it had a huge impact on my body confidence and my self- esteem in general.

I felt ashamed, unsexy and undesirable. Luckily, my relationship with the condition has changed; now it doesn’t have an impact on me at all. People are more educated about the virus, and advancements in treatment mean that I’m now undetectable and therefore can’t transmit it.

I won the title of Mr Gay England in June, which has been an incredible journey and allows me to speak openly and honestly about the reality of living with HIV.

For the past three months, I have been working on a documentary called Jus+ Like Me, directed by Samuel Douek, for World Aids Day.

It was my way of trying t o help reduce the stigma around the virus and sho w that HIV doesn’t define you.

My mental health is affected by how I feel about my body — exercise has been a key part of my adult life. When I stop exercising and notice my body changing, that little voice in my head starts talking and I begin to doubt myself as if I was 16 years old again.

I’m still learning how best to navigate pitfalls, and for the past few months I’v e been over- worked and highly stressed, so the gym has taken a back seat.

Now, I’m balancing things a lot better , and even from the first session back, I feel as if I’m in a much more positiv e headsspace — and my shirts are a little less tight around the middle!