CHRISTEENE

In her al­ter­na­tive Christ­mas mes­sage, “drag ter­ror­ist” Christeene trashes The Great­est Story Ever Told, be­fore tak­ing aim at the far right, Brexit and the fes­tive sea­son

Attitude - - Contents - As told to Thomas Stich­bury Pho­tog­ra­phy Fran­cisco Gomez de Vil­l­aboa

The drag “ter­ror­ist” takes aim

When you at­tend one of Christeene’s wild, WTF shows, a sin­gle im­age will be seared for ev­er­more into your brain: the sight of her yank­ing a butt plug, teth­ered with golden bal­loons, from in­side her arse. It’s a crowd- pleas­ing mo­ment as the party pieces gen­tly bob in the air, used sex toy still at­tached, wait­ing to be snatched by a rev­eller lucky enough to be in grab­bing dis­tance. “Ahh think it’s beau­ti­ful, y’all, the look on every­body’s faces, like chil­dren at a hot- dog stall,” says Christeene in her Deep South drawl as we gather at a for­mer of­fice which is now a photo- stu­dio, in Lon­don.

Squirm­ing from the brain of cre­ator Paul Soileau, kick­ing, spit­ting and cov­ered head- to- toe in dirt, Christeene sprang to life as a “drag ter­ror­ist” ex­pos­ing the hypocrisy and lies of the world through her vis­ceral — that’s an un­der­state­ment — art and mu­sic, with such ra­diofriendly dit­ties as Butt Mus­cle, Fix My Dick and Tears From My Pussy.

“Drag ter­ror­ist is a self- pre­scribed la­bel. Every­body needs some­thing to hold on to for it to make sense to them, an’ that was the only thing that felt some­what right,” she says.

“Ahh don’t use it any more, ahh don’t like to call it any­thing.”

Slic­ing into and spilling the giz­zards of the very con­cept of drag, Christeene serves a lube- smoth­ered re­minder that there is so much more to the art form than the sani­tised ver­sion that many peo­ple have be­come ac­cus­tomed to from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

You won’t find her mut­ter­ing “Miss Van­jie,” that’s for sure.

“The word ‘ drag’ it­self is so ho­mogenised now, ahh don’t re­ally care to as­so­ciate with it the way it iz rep­re­sented to­day. Ahh dig drag, I’m from the lin­eage of it, but fuck these la­bels an’ what y’all got to call me to make your­selves feel good,” Christeene growls.

“Many of these shows cre­ate bound­aries, but there are no bound­aries. That iz the beauty of this form. It’s very shitty when rules are cre­ated. That’s the op­po­site of what you should do. Ahh ain’t push­ing bound­aries, ahh don’t have bound­aries, ahh never have,” she smiles, of­fer­ing a flash of a black­ened tooth.

There were cer­tainly no bound­aries when it came to the in­spi­ra­tion be­hind our pho­to­shoot with Christeene, who just so hap­pens to share her birth­day with Je­sus Christ. With that day in mind, she de­cided to put her own smudgy spin on the bib­li­cal tale, dress­ing up as the Vir­gin Mary clutch­ing lit­tle baby Je­sus, or in this in­stance a swad­dled slab of gi­ant salami – a mirac­u­lous con­cep­tion, in­deed.

All will be ex­plained as we asked Christeene to de­liver this year’s At­ti­tude Al­ter­na­tive Christ­mas Mes­sage. The Queen has the hon­our of giv­ing the tra­di­tional one: “That’s some fucked- up shiit, why are they royal?

Why are they so much bet­ter than every­body else?” But we wanted Christeene’s thoughts on re­li­gion, the fes­tive sea­son, the highs and lows of the past 12 months, and how the world can move for­ward in 2019.

Clutch your pearls, ladies…

"A hh’m not much of a sausage qween, ex­cept for those lit­tle ones in the can cuz they’re soft an’ like baby food. But ahh want to show y’all that you can just swap the baby Je­sus for a piece of sausage. Ahh’d per­son­ally rather take a piece of sausage home than a baby. You don’t have to take care of a sausage, you just got to eat it.

Re­li­gious, iconic im­agery, ahh fig­ured ahh’d put some meat on it. It iz show­ing you what it iz, just a pic­ture. Re­li­gion iz mythol­ogy. They all come from the same fuckin’ source: hu­man be­ings try­ing to find some sort of strength to keep push­ing on. That’s why they cre­ate these sto­ries, these cos­tumes.

Most peo­ple who are shov­ing it down our throats, who are sit­ting on the top thrones, are pae­dophiles, or some Pope who runs shiit like the Mafia, dirty deals be­ing done be­hind closed doors to con­trol the world. There iz noth­ing dif­fer­ent be­tween the Catholic faith and a cult in a strange house in Fort Worth, Texas. Catholi­cism iz the bully cult an’ the lazi­est: be good, go to heaven, be bad, go to hell. Who gives a fuck? You think life iz that easy?

The peo­ple telling you that are the ones do­ing the worst shiit.

If you want to dig in an’ re­ally be­lieve in that, if you think it’s go­ing to save your life, ahh’m not go­ing to tell you ' no'. Y’all should use a lit­tle bit of brains, though, to un­der­stand that it iz a chil­dren’s >

"It's shitty when rules are cre­ated. That's the op­po­site of what you should do"

"It's been a rough year, spent wrestling power from idiot men like the gi­ant sat­suma"

story. If you’re go­ing to fol­low that, then you might as well wor­ship the ugly duck­ling.

So Christ­mas iz upon us, an’ ahh must ad­mit ahh like the streets when they get the lights an’ colours on ‘ em, it’s real nice. How­ever, when y’all say it iz the sea­son for giv­ing, not re­ceiv­ing, go fuck your­self. You should do that every day. Stupid peo­ple wait to do it at Christ­mas to make them­selves feel bet­ter. Lazy. Lazy re­li­gion. Lazy fuckin’ giv­ing. Do it all the time an’ shut up.

It’s been a rough year, spent wrestling power from idiot, mostly white, men wreck­ing a lot of good things. Like the gi­ant sat­suma in the room: Don­ald Trump. That son of a bitch’s ral­lies, ahh mean, what pres­i­dent has ral­lies? That’s called mo­bil­i­sa­tion. He can tell them fuck­ers to buy a gun an’ shoot me in the head. They’ll do it, an’ they are do­ing it.

Ahh read this quote, ' Don’t ever wres­tle with a pig cuz they like to fight, they like to get cov­ered in shiit, the dirt­ier it gets, the hap­pier the pig is.' That’s what the world iz do­ing, they’re wrestling with this stupid pig, they don’t un­der­stand that if you don’t bother the pig, don’t give it the at­ten­tion an’ mud, the pig’s go­ing to get bored.

It’s a dan­ger­ous time. You can’t just pick out the United States any more and say, “This place is go­ing down the shit­ter,” cuz it’s a global sit­u­a­tion. Look at Brazil an’ that ho­mo­phobe piece of shiit Jair Bol­sonaro, and the rise of the Brown Party in Ger­many. Y’all are knee- deep, too, with Brexit, just adding to the UK’s ter­ri­ble past.

Hello, colonis­ing the world, the Royal Fam­ily, all this hoity- toity crap.

You’ve done some rot­ten fuck­ing shiit around the world so there iz an un­der­cur­rent of dark­ness there. It’s like Texas, where ahh’m from. Ahh’m sur­rounded by so many gun- totin’ Repub­li­cans, but ahh live in Austin, which iz lib­eral an’ filled with en­vi­ron­men­tal­ists, hip­pies, fag­gots an’ dykes. Ahh like to have both sides of the coin cuz it cre­ates an ef­fect in your soul, brain an’ hole.

Lon­don iz the same. There iz the dark of the past, along with ad­ven­tur­ous, ex­cit­ing peo­ple from all over the world who are chang­ing, or try­ing to change it. When you make cock­tails like that, an’ live within them, many pow­er­ful things take place, good or bad.

Ahh like to be in the cen­tre of those places, the eyes of those storms, a piece of fruit in those cock­tails, an old, dirty cherry with a tooth­pick through it.

The pen­du­lum keeps swing­ing an’ it’s swung far, far to the right. There iz no rule book writ­ten on how to deal with this one. You’ve just got to break the pen­du­lum, crack it at its base an’ start with a new re­sponse.

We’ve got to find a way to fight this our way, not the way we’ve been taught. Y’all can’t just say, “Go vote, go march,” it’s be­yond that.

The only thing ahh hold on to iz the fact that they know it’s the last time they can get away with this cuz what’s com­ing af­ter this, it’s go­ing to be strong an’ dif­fer­ent. Ahh feel good about what’s com­ing cuz ahh meet peo­ple an’ the sto­ries ahh’m hear­ing are promis­ing new direc­tions, that won't tol­er­ate this shiit.

Next year, ahh want the world to start clean­ing its kitchen, to wash those fuckin’ dishes, get some new wall­pa­per an’ re­model. Ahh also de­mand that ya’ll take care of each other, fill each other’s tanks up when you low, show up for each other, sup­port each other when peo­ple are get­ting vul­ner­a­ble.

Above all, peo­ple, re­mem­ber that a hole iz just a hole.

Talk­ing of holes, if any­one out there wants to spon­sor me some butt plugs, just holler cuz that shiit iz ex­pen­sive.

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