THE RULES

Top bitch of the air Pam Ann presents her guide to successful flying

How to engage a flight attendant

LOST IN AN AIRPORT? That’s your problem. NEVER approach a flight attendant for directions. Do they look

like Google Maps? No, bitch. They will cut you. A British Airways flight attendant will kick you in the face with

their hoof

CAN’T FIND A FLIGHT ATTENDANT? They may be otherwise engaged. Just ‘ cos nobody wants to screw you in the air, that doesn’t mean a bitch

can’t snag some cock while on the job

NEVER INTERRUPT FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

READING MAGAZINES or chatting in the galley. Can’t a bitch catch a break? FUCK OFF

back to your seat and wait to be spoken to!

THIRSTY? Want a drink? Are you for coffee? Why don’t you take

the hint and just fuck- offee.

IF YOU REALLY WANT A PLEASANT

FLIGHT, just don’t engage with flight attendants, period. Your existence is meaningless to them.

Nobody gives a shit NEVER POKE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT You rude fucking dick! Keep your scrawny appendage to yourself. Nobody cares

THE CALL BUTTON is wired to Immigration & Customs — the more you use it, the more issues you will have. This is not for calling flight attendants at your pleasure, arsehole! You only have yourself to blame if a kilo of cocaine ends up in your luggage when customs officers search you in Dubai airport

PASSENGERS ARE SELF- LOADING CARGO… so sit down, shut the fuck up, and entertain yourselves. Or die. Quietly. And don’t make a mess. We’re not here to clean up after your regrettable life choices

THE BEST WAY TO ENGAGE is to just smile, lift your own bags, and leave children at home