A SERBIA HAS GAY RIGHTS
Serbia has had an openly lesbian prime minister since 2017 but while Ana Brnabić’s position seems to have given her special privileges, the same cannot be said for gay men in the country
na Brnabić is the prime minister of a nation where she is not allowed to get married, cannot enter into a registered partnership, and is prohibited from having children with her girlfriend through the official route.
All because she is a lesbian.
However, six months ago, her partner, Milica Durdić gave birth to a son. An event that has not gone down very well with other members of Serbia’s LGBTQ community.
“When I heard the news, I felt a bit envious,” says Darko Zivkov Popov. “Brnabić now has what she wants. I’d do the same if I was in her position. If I was a woman, I would also have found a way to have a child.”
Darko has wanted children for a long time – a feeling that has only intensified since meeting and starting a relationship with Damir Ambrisak.
“I think it’s because Damir saw how wonderfully I got along with his little nephew,” Darko explains.
Gay couples in Serbia are not permitted to adopt a child, there is no sperm bank, and single people cannot access IVF treatment. The only option is to go abroad, which is what Darko and Damir are planning to do in the long run.
They met in a gay bar at the beginning of 2017, in Novi Sad, Serbia’s second city, which is known for the Exit Festival that takes place in its fort every summer.
“Well, we didn’t really meet each other there,” Darko says, interrupting his friend. “I spotted him there. It was like some sort of film. We were in a dark bar and I saw Damir standing there in a beam of light, and was immediately impressed.”
Darko found out they had mutual friends, so he managed to get Damir’s phone number, and a week later they were enjoying a cup of coffee together.
Damir says: “We were very close straightaway, inseparable really. But to me it was no more than a friendship — until a bulb suddenly went off in my head.”
He recently moved to the capital Belgrade, where he has a job as a 3D artist. Darko, who is a communications employee and office manager, hopes to be able to follow him soon.
“It’s not all that different here to Novi Sad but the city is larger so we feel more free, plus we’ve found clubs that play music other than Serbian folk,” Damir says laughingly. Belgrade is hip, progressive, has various gay clubs and is becoming increasingly popular among Western tourists. But Serbia also has a constitutional ban on marriages for samesex couples, and although the annual Pride hasn’t seen violent outbursts in recent times, there are more policemen at the event than participants. “In that sense, it’s not really about celebrating being yourself,” both men agree.
“On the same day, there is always some event that is organised which promotes traditional family values. We might not be getting stones hurled at us, but it’s still a bit of a sly dig.”
The couple have never experienced anything negative themselves, however. “We tend to be a lot more restrained when we’re outside,” Darko says. ” People just see two male friends walking by. We’re smart enough not to challenge other people.
“I say smart, but perhaps it’s dumb.
That said, I kind of like to get home in one piece every day,” he adds.
Darko and Damir consider themselves a unique couple in the sense that their coming out was rather smooth sailing. Damir says: “I have a very strong bond with my parents and as soon as I started dating, when I was about 20, I told them that I prefer men. I didn’t want to lie to them.”
His mother did want to check whether he was sure, and asked if he wanted to see a therapist. “I feel that suggestion was made from a place of wanting to protect me. She’d rather that I was straight, due to the situation in Serbia and my safety. It would make things easier for me. But she accepts me and is very pleased with Darko.”
And Darko adds: “That was new for me because I had never discussed my sexual orientation with my parents.
“I had a relationship with a man for 10 years that I kept hidden from them. But when I saw how loving Damir was with his family, it triggered me to come out of the closet.
“It turns out that my parents had suspected it. I was especially pleased with how positively my father reacted.”
While a majority of people in Serbia — a small majority ( 59 per cent) — say they have no problem with the LGBTQ community, a poll in 2017 revealed that 21 per cent of Serbians believe that a relationship between two men or two women should be illegal. Five years earlier, a study revealed that 48 per cent of the population regard homosexuality as a disease.
Stefan Sparavalo works as an activist for the organisation Da Se Zna ( which loosely translates as “people should know” or “to be clear”). It registers hate crimes within the LGBTQ community and offers legal and psychological support.
Stefan’s role often makes him feel as if he has to jump through hoops where PM Brnabić is concerned.
“As an organisation, we had a moral duty to convey our joy at the news [ of her baby] because it is, after all, a way of generating attention for gay parenthood within the public domain. At the same time, we are using this to demand more priority for legislation surrounding the facilitating of registered partnerships for gay couples.”
He adds: “I sent the following tweet at the time: ‘ I congratulate the housemate of Brnabić in becoming a mother’. After all, formally speaking, Brnabić is not in any union with her partner, and therefore not in any way officially connected to the child.”
Brnabić’s inauguration created headlines around the world, most registering a level of surprise, but it was criticised at home with her appointment seen as merely a strategic move by President Aleksandar Vučić to placate the rest of Europe. A few years earlier, in 2014, the Serbian government was questioned by Amnesty International about their unwillingness to tackle the problems surrounding homophobia. “We have heard tales of young people who have found it easier to come out of the closet due to Brnabić being a public figure,” says Stefan. “So, it works in terms of visibility but otherwise it doesn’t do a whole lot for us.”
In interviews, Brnabić highlights the fact that she doesn’t want to be considered as a figurehead for the LGBTQ community, but wants to be judged on her work.
In an interview in The Guardian, she denied that Serbia is a homophobic country. “But,” Stefan continues,
“the fact that she is not getting any negative reactions from her surroundings, doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. She is a businesswoman who has worked abroad extensively and therefore moves within very different social circles to most people.
“She is in denial of a problem that is most definitely there.”
The Da Se Zna Foundation has existed since 2015 and has registered dozens of cases of homophobia. “We don’t have very many cases of serious physical violence. The most prevalent incidents are verbal violence, threats
“THE PRIME MINISTER IS IN DENIAL OF A PROBLEM THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY THERE”
and blackmail,” explains Stefan. “It’s difficult to say how frequently this is taking place. Some reports are of incidents that happened years ago, [ but] we reckon that 90 per cent of incidents are not even reported.”
Serbia introduced new criminal proceedings for hate crimes in
2012, as part of an agreement for EU membership, Stefan adds.
“But since then, only one person has been sentenced. Judges are reluctant to implement the article and are not actually sure how to go about it.
“Our government dutifully ticked the appropriate box for the EU checklist, but does nothing to implement that measure.
“The only training that police and judges have in that area was provided through us and a number of other international organisations.”
However, according to Stefan, the situation for the LGBTQ community has improved slightly in recent years. There have been no violent incidents during Pride since 2014.
The Pride Info Centre, opposite the parliament building, was opened in August 2018. People can walk in with questions, for instance when they need legal or psychological help.
The building has 24- hour security and there have been occasions where groups of youths have tried to invade the property.
In her interview with The Guardian, Brnabić also stated that she would not be focusing on reforming LGBTQ rights in the foreseeable future.
“She feels that the situation will improve automatically if Serbia starts to flourish economically,” says Stefan. “But what kind of argument is that?
“Just look at Saudi Arabia or
Bahrain. Those are wealthy places, but it’s not as if gays are having such a great life there.
“It simply doesn’t work that way.”
The only true victory for the LGBTQ community in the past few years, he adds, is that gender reassignment is no longer necessary for people looking to change their gender.
Brnabić is able to deny the problems because she is in a privileged position. It’s not exactly known how her partner became pregnant but it seems likely that she made use of some form of IVF treatment abroad — something that is financially unattainable for most other Serbians. “I know a woman who went to the sperm bank in Croatia of her own accord, then inserted the sperm manually when she returned home. That’s how she became pregnant.” says Stefan. “There are also tales of lesbian couples who have conceived a child with a gay couple, and look like a ‘ normal’ pair to the outside world. They are leading a double life.”
Unfortunately, Darko and Damir have less control over parenthood than women. “For me, the first consideration has always been surrogacy,” Darko says. “I never really considered adopting but I won’t rule out that option completely. I simply want to pass on my genes.”
He has been hoping to meet a lesbian woman with the same wish for years, but has had no luck so far. Damir adds that if that doesn’t happen, they will try to adopt. “There are lots of children who don’t have parents, who we would still be able to love,” he says.
The two men will never be able to do that in their native country however — and they don’t want to.
Damir says: “That would be very tough on a little boy or girl. Serbia is an extremely patriarchal society and is full of stereotypes. It will take a very long time before people here accept one another. I don’t want to put my burden upon the shoulders of our child.”
Darko adds: “Brnabić doesn’t need to think about those kinds of things. It is just one in a long line of privileges available to the prime minister: her child will go to a private school, or perhaps she and her partner will move abroad after her term [ as prime minister] ends, to a country where gay parenthood is accepted.”
Going abroad is the only option available to Darko and Damir right now. “We are lucky that we are both entitled to a Hungarian passport, due to our forefathers hailing from that country. We are currently taking Hungarian lessons, and hope that we can start the application in about six months. Our desire to have children is the main reason for leaving Serbia.”
But Hungarian is known for being a particularly difficult to learn because it is so different to every other language.
“It’s easier for Darko because he heard a lot of Hungarian from his grandmother as a child. Unfortunately, I never took the trouble in the past to understand the language, so it’s quite a challenge for me now,” Damir says.
“But the Hungarian passport lends us more options for travel and emigration. We’re thinking of heading [ eventually] to Canada or the US.”
For now though, it remains a dream for the two men. “A few years ago, I had this recurring dream that I was pregnant,” Darko says, while slapping his belly in a jovial manner.
“I always wanted to name my son Vuk [ a common name in Serbia, meaning wolf]. But now we have a nephew with that name, so we have to come up with something else.”
Last December, Darko went on bended knee and proposed to his boyfriend. “He is now my fiancé.” The men look at each other and Darko points to the ring on his finger.
“For me, this is a symbol of freedom. A child will represent that for us too,. Many people, on the other hand, would view [ having children] as something that’s accompanied by a number of restrictions and limits.”
Damir adds: “A child will really be a blessing for us, but it does bring new responsibilities.
“It’s also a step up to the next level in the maturity of our relationship. Many gays in Serbia are not mentally mature because they have no outlook as far as their future is concerned.
“We have decided to shape that future for ourselves.”
“A FEW YEARS AGO, I HAD A RECURRING DREAM THAT I WAS PREGNANT””