Nick + Danny
DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL
Nick and Danny met 15 years ago, and, after five years together, decided to open up their relationship. The need to take that step wasn’t to accommodate feelings for another person, but simply, as Danny puts it, “I like red wine. I like steak. I like dick.”
They started by having threesomes, thinking it would be the natural way to have sex with other people without hurting one another. However, they soon realised that these experiences weren’t having the desired effect, and were creating too much jealousy instead.
“The physical closeness and emotional chemistry that I had built with Danny were suddenly being disrupted by the presence of a third body in the room,” admits Nick. “We ended up over- thinking everything and not just enjoying it. So what was the point?”
The pair knew they needed to rethink the boundaries and rules of their relationship if they wanted to enjoy the benefits of the new arrangement without hurting each other. After putting their heads together and trying out several different tactics, they found what works for them. In short, “don’t ask, don’t tell”.
They recognised that they didn’t need to know everything that is going on in the other person’s life at every point of the day. The process of debriefing their every move felt gratuitous and unnecessary.
“Sometimes, when you confess something to someone, you are doing it selfishly to get whatever it is off your conscience,” explains Danny. “You have to be receptive to where the other person is mentally. They may not have a problem with what you are about to say, but they may not be in the right state of mind to hear it.”
This isn’t to imply that they hide everything they get up to in a safe and throw away the key. There are periods when they feel exceptionally close ( or just horny!), and start to open up, knowing the other person is ready and interested to hear.
Although for many same- sex couples in a non- exclusive relationship, competition can play an unwanted role, Nick and Danny have not experienced this. “We both go for different types of guys, so there has never been much competition between us in the traditional sense,” adds Nick. “There have been periods where I’ve been envious of how easy Danny finds it to navigate an open relationship. A discrepancy in how people experience things can make something feel competitive even when it’s not. That’s been important for me to remember.”
Learning to be incredibly intuitive of each other’s emotional differences is not the only way this couple has made things work for them. They have also set a rule that any extra- marital shenanigans must not go on at their house.
“I’m sure all the readers will know [ that] this creates the ‘ can’t host’ dilemma,” jokes Danny, “but it’s important for us to keep the home a safe place that is just ours.”
“We go for different types, so there’s never been competition between us” Nick
“It’s important for us to keep the home a safe place that is just ours” Danny