BIG IN A WIG
Juno Birch
What were your rejected drag names?
I kinda started doing drag without really knowing I was doing drag, so I guess that’s why my real name is my drag name. But I do love Paris Stilton.
Describe yourself in three emojis.
Describe your drag style in five words.
What the fuck is that?
Who is your biggest inspiration?
Imagine Shirley Bassey and Tim Burton combined – THAT. Like, the campness of Shirley and the awkwardness of Tim.
Worst pick-up line someone has said to you?
“I hope this email finds you well.”
Worst thing someone could say to you in bed?
“I love your chins.”
Biggest turn-on?
Eight metres tall; hairy; massive hands and feet; large nose — basically, a monster.
And turn-off?
A smooth, hairless, dolphin person who loves rice pudding.
What is your safe word?
“Get the hell out of my house!”
What keeps you awake at night?
Like, what is everyone’s fascination with grey furniture? It’s disgusting — everything should be pink, orange or purple.
If you could be any inanimate object in the world, what would you be?
I would be a TV screen, because I’m a massive attention-seeker.
What would a film of your life be called, and who would star as you?
Attack of the Stunning, starring
Jennifer Coolidge as Juno Birch.
What would your fragrance be called, and what would the tagline be?
ABDUCTION by Juno – “Lose yourself”. It would smell like cola with a hint of petrol.
How do you like to unwind?
Playing The Sims 2 and killing Joy Despret.
What is your most annoying habit?
I like to scream at my cat until he looks at me.
Biggest pet peeve?
People who can eat wet bread — like, any moisture on bread is a NO.
Your house is on fire: what single item would you save?
My wigs… especially Sandra.
Let’s play Cluedo. You’ve been slayed: who did it, where and with what?
It was Trixie Mattel. She put anthrax in my Trixie Cosmetics parcel.
What does it say on your gravestone?
“YES, THAT HAPPENED.”
What does your heaven look like?
Palm Springs and everyone is wearing hotdog costumes and dancing to The Sims 1 music.
And your hell?
JK Rowling is prime minister and I’m not allowed to go to the toilet.
You rule the world. What law do you introduce?
Drag queens get paid more than footballers – yes, that’s happening.
You’re returning to your home planet. What is your parting message to us mere mortals on Earth?
“There’s fish fingers in the microwave!”
What is your hidden talent?
I can make the noise The Grudge makes for over a minute.
You’ve made a time capsule. What do you put in there?
A photograph of me to educate people on what stunning is.
“My biggest turn-on is eight metres tall; hairy; massive hands and feet; large nose — basically, a monster”