MENTAL HEALTH
Psychotherapist Owen O’ Kane on how ‘toxic positivity’ can do more harm than good
Our wellness series with psychotherapist Owen O’Kane
Today I want to share my dislike of extreme positivity. I find it toxic and I’ll explain why. It might seem odd to be reading an article on toxic positivity by a therapist and author who has written a book about happiness, but I’m not one for fantasy or fairy tales. I also don’t believe in feigned happiness — we have all tried clicking our heels and never found ourselves back in Kansas. So why I am writing about toxic positivity at this time of great struggle, during a global pandemic? Because I believe it’s making us more miserable!
Every time I go on social media, I find another guru reminding us that “We’ve got this!”, “You’re amazing!”, “It’s all good,” “Life is amazing.” But if that’s not your experience or how you are feeling — which I think is true for many people at the minute — I worry that we shame people into believing they must feel positive all the time. In short, we invalidate how they are feeling and don’t allow them to be human. In my experience, that’s neither useful nor helpful. All emotions serve a worthwhile purpose and that includes negative ones. And it’s also important to remember that it’s impossible to be positive all the time (unless you have decided to completely disconnect or dissociate).
As I am at risk of sounding like a merchant of doom, I should be clear that there is nothing wrong with having a positive outlook on life. Equally, I am not undermining positive psychology, which does have a role at times. If positivity is someone’s natural demeanour, then what a fantastic way to live and view the world. If someone is offering a hopeful perspective and guidance on the steps to get there (supported by research), then I’ll listen. But my issue is that this is often not the case. How can a star from a reality show tell us “It’s all good,” or an influencer proclaim that “It’s all in your head”? Where is the training, experience, expertise, knowledge and insight that this will help me?
The situation for many people right now is tough. The world is facing a pandemic, and many people are struggling with uncertainty, death, illness, grief, economic hardship, business failure and some of the worst mental health struggles we have seen. Quickfix, positive-thinking suggestions, although well-intended and aimed at providing short-term relief, can also bring longer-term consequences. It may not work out OK. You may fail. Losses may happen. I may not end up in Kansas. What then?
I believe that if feelings are numbed by repressing, ignoring, or denying them with positive thoughts, they don’t go away; they come back stronger. I guess what I’m saying is that we must see life as it is and not through rose-tinted spectacles (or whatever colour you prefer). Dealing with reality and using rational, adaptive thinking is for me a more helpful and hopeful way forward. It is measured, balanced and helps with coping, whatever life brings.
I see people’s lives fall apart every day in my office. If I look them in the eye and say, “Don’t worry, it’s all good,” I insult them and dismiss what they are experiencing. If I look them in the eye and say, “I’m with you. Let me help you take the next step,” I offer hope. And in my book, that’s way more powerful than any positive thinking.
For anyone having a tough time right now, I offer you the alternative to positive thinking:
I get it
It’s normal to be struggling at the moment I know this feels tough, but nothing is a permanent state
One next step is enough
I hear you; I see you
“We must see life as it is and not through rosetinted spectacles”
Owen O’Kane is a psychotherapist and Sunday Times best-selling author