Love is not love
Since I read Tom Rasmussen’s excellent book, First Comes Love, LGBTQ+ relationships have been on my mind. In the book, they question the origins of marriage from a queer perspective, and suggest replacing ‘love is love’ with ‘Give us our fucking rights, you fucking fucks.’
‘Love is love’ doesn’t make sense. As Bobby says in Bros: “It’s just something we told straight people so they’d like us.”
Our love has never been the same as straight love. Our love held us together in the HIV and Aids epidemic when lesbians and allies cared for gay and bi men and trans people as they died. Our love exists in the kindness of charities like elop, who oer mental health support for LGBTQ+ people, and in Rainbow Migration, who work to keep queer refugees safe. Our love exists when we stand up for the rights of our trans and non-binary family on Twitter. It is more nuanced and far-reaching than romantic affection.
Recently, I interviewed straight-identifying director Sebastian Meise for my podcast. He had visited dark rooms to research his lm, Great Freedom, and described watching strangers fucking as “love”. I initially burst out laughing, but now I think Meise was onto something.
I’d never thought about it before: sex clubs are full of cells and prison bars. This is no coincidence. It echoes a time when gay men had to hide who they were or face prison or worse (and it’s still the case in 69 countries).
Gay love is more than boy meets boy. It’s complex and layered. It’s our shame and trauma, our past and present. LGBTQ+ love is a light in the darkness, shining through that shared history and into our experiences today as queer people.