Losing wife and sons left me in black hole of grief
ADAD who came home to find fire crews battling a blaze that claimed the lives of his wife and two children has spoken of the “deep black hole of grief” he was left in.
John Bickley lost his wife Heather and boys Felix and Oscar during the fire at Marianglas, near Benllech.
It started when a motor on a freezer in the utility room overheated, and 47-year-old Mrs Bickley and 10-year-old Felix and Oscar, six, suffocated as they tried to escape the burning house - which did not have a smoke alarm.
Cabinet maker Mr Bickley described how the fire left him feeling empty inside. He said he couldn’t bear to be in contact with anyone other than close friends and family “for fear of f breaking down”, and that he would run every day in an effort to tire himself out so he could sleep and not spend the night “curled up in a foetal position violently shaking as the reality of my life descended”.
Mr Bickley, whose wife Heather had been a nurse in Manchester before becoming a North Wales Police detective, wrote of his ordeal for the newspaper in his home city of Manchester, our sister paper the Manchester Even Evening News (MEN).
To mark national Electrical Fire Safety Week, he said he wants all families to learn the lesson that “smoke alarms save lives”.
He now lives in Farnham, Surrey, with his new partner Jill Barnes.
The pair went to school together and reconnected after Jill came to the funeral of John’s family, who died in the fire in June 2010.
An author, she has written a memoir Cloaked in Death, Wrapped in Love about the difficulties of forging a relationship in such tragic circumstances. Writing in the MEN, Mr Bickley wrote: “Heather spent her whole life in public service, first at North Manchester Hospital as a Staff Nurse following which she was a serving police officer in the North Wales Police for 16 years.
“She was uncomplicated, principled and loving, creating a wonderful family home for us all.
“She adored Christmas, which would start the day after her birthday on November 23 and wouldn’t end until I urged her to take down the decorations as we approached the end of January. This week she would have been 54. As another Christmas approaches her presence is very strong – I can see her crazily filling our home with tinsel and lights and so much love, having the time of her life.”
“Felix was very sporty. He loved swimming, swimming karate karate, playing foot football and dreamed of playing for Liverpool. I have wonderful memories of spending time together; sitting at a mountain top cafe drinking his favourite hot chocolate, on a rest from skiing.
“Believing he’d actually flown a space ship to Mars after a ride in Disney World and sitting on my shoulders as we danced at a Florence and The Machine concert, just a few weeks before he died.
“He was so competitive and couldn’t bear losing to his younger brother. He had a maturity beyond his years and was such wonderful company when you had him to yourself. We’d talk for hours together.
“Oscar at 6, was still a little boy, who’d not yet lived any sort of life. He was such a sweet natured boy, very happy to sit and play Lego for hours, always wanting to please, and never complained about anything.”
“He adored his older brother, always trying to copy him. During the last six months of his life we bought a large trampoline which he absolutely loved to jump around on. Every night he’d want me to jump on it with him too. He was so studious and clever.
“One of the best memories of my sons is when we would go on any journey and they would sit together at the front of my van. They just loved sitting high up as we all sang together at the top of our voices.
“We’d laugh so much it hurt.
“My emotional state after th the fire was severely shut d down with the trauma.
“I couldn’t cope with any co contact other than close fr friends and family, for fear of breaking down. I felt like I was in n a deep black hole with no em emotional strength.
“I would run daily in an ef effort to exhaust myself in the hope I would sleep at night. I ha had to keep moving because to sit still would risk being smothered by their deaths. I could barely breath sometimes.
“At night time I would curl up in the foetal position violently shaking as the reality descended.”
“The inquest was brutal. The Coroner made clear that had smoke alarms been in situ my family may have survived.
“The seat of the fire was established to be an electrical fault in a fridge left by the previous owners.”
“We always think it won’t happen to us. We take for granted how precious life is and somehow mistakenly believe that tragedies are suffered by others.
“But one minute my beautiful family were larger than life, full of so much energy, noise, fun, laughter and love, the next they were piles of dust in three plastic brown urns in my living room. The silence was deafening and the pain indescribable.
“I urge every reader to take the time to ensure you have a smoke alarm in your home and test those already in situ.
“Most fire services offer free home checks, many provide free smoke alarms if needed. It’s a matter of minutes to make you and your family safe. Smoke alarms save lives.
”I had support from so many family, friends, the community of Benllech and Heather’s colleagues.
“Jill was someone who wasn’t afraid to ask probing questions and listen to uncomfortable answers.
“She was a distant friend who didn’t know my family, so it was easier to talk to her than people close to me, grief-stricken themselves and coming to terms with it.
“We were very good friends at school and a few years after, so it felt comfy in her company. I could just be myself. A relationship was a million miles from my mind.
“The relationship was a gradual process which felt very uncomfortable at first with mixed emotions and a lot of guilt. I had been with Heather for 23 very happy years and so it felt very strange to be with someone else. Jill and I regularly spoke about these feelings. All of life felt strange, not just a new relationship.
“It’s like existing in some parallel universe – my wife and sons in one and a strange new world in another. Each day I have to bridge the gap between the two to try and make sense of my life. Jill and I have always taken one day at a time and continue to.”
”Even in the darkest of places light can get through, but only with time and with the right help. At first I didn’t want counselling but over time realised I couldn’t manage my grief alone.
“It made such a difference being surrounded by so many people who cared. The gift of their kindness and compassion was something I’ll never forget.”