Ralph Oswick: Plain and simple water will do the trick!
Phew, what scorcher! I like to look at snow, but I don’t go out in it unless I really have to. It’s the same with sunshine. If I get too hot I go a bit weird. As you will observe as you read on.
During the recent heatwave I staggered into my local pub, all hot and bothered after attempting to cycle across Bath with its errant pedestrians and frustrating traffic, made worse by the blinding sun and record pollen levels.
You look like you need a drink, said the charming barkeep, what will it be?
Ooh, I croaked, I’d like something long, non-alcoholic, not strong tasting, sugar free, low calorie and refreshing.
Ralph, I think you just invented water came the reply.
And indeed I had. What with the advertisements extolling refreshing this, refreshing that, electrolytes, personalised hydration strategies and so on, the most refreshing and fast-acting hydration for anyone not actually aiming for Olympic gold is a good old glass of water!
And not vitamin enriched water, water with a touch of fruit, water that comes from a pristine spring in the Himalayas. Not water poshed up with essence of coconut, ginseng or forest mint. Or even water from melted glaciers sold in Harrods for £80 a bottle (I kid you not!)
I eschew commercial energy drinks and so-called sports drinks. In my view they are full of vile chemicals and nasty colourants and the sugar substitute in many of them is as bad for you as sugar. They are the modern equivalent of snake oil, and only the gullible would believe the claims on the label.
Toothpaste doesn’t whiten your teeth, shampoo doesn’t strengthen your hair and a can of colourful chemicals and e-numbers doesn’t do a lot for your health. And that famous Italian pasta sauce loved by mama is made in Germany. End of rant. It’s the heat, I swear it!
What about a nice gin and tonic I hear you ask? Well, I’m as fond of a G&T as the next person, but alcohol doesn’t really refresh, does it? Most gin and tonics just taste of the tonic anyway, admit it! Yes, the first sip of an ice cold lager seems to cool one down, but the main effect of sinking a pint is to make you want another.
And while I’m at it, what is squash? I vaguely remember it being offered extremely diluted in thick glasses at kids’ parties of yore. Warmish I seem to recall. But I haven’t knowingly consumed any since I was five and a half. And now they are advertising ‘squash for grownups.’
As far as I’m concerned it’s a product that I will consign to the same compartment as shampoo for men (hair is hair after all), vitamin C tablets (eat more greens) and pink ballpoint pens for ladies.
And by the way, what is ‘forest mint’? I’ve spotted it in bottled water but also, worryingly, in my ecofriendly toilet cleaner. Now, where’s that beer?