Ralph Oswick: They called me a genius... I was finding glitter for weeks

Iused to design the costumes and sometimes the sets for the award-winning Christmas pantos produced by a theatre just outside central London. Although it wasn’t a West End venue, nevertheless the pantos were renowned and always sold out. Now, every theatre has its oddities and unique features, and this one was no exception. There were virtually no flies so you couldn’t make much disappear in an upward direction. This was particularly difficult if you needed to climb a beanstalk or if any magic carpet rides were involved. Poor Jack and Aladdin had to hang on up there not quite out of view while the curtain came down to allow the technicians to dash out and lower them to the floor. Similarly, there was no wing space to be had stage left, so any pumpkin coach could only get halfway off before said curtain hid it from view while it was backed out. Try reversing a pair of confused Shetland ponies and you’ll see what I mean! The various directors never seemed to get the latter problem. The number of directors who will sit in the auditorium barking out orders and who had never actually stepped onto the stage itself never ceased to amaze me. Once Widow Twanky was required to exit on a cut-out dragon. I thought she would go off stage right, an obvious choice as it was nearest the dressing room for the next big costume stage. Herr Director insisted stage left, and consequently the dragon’s head was on the wrong end. I solved it by attaching a second head onto the creature’s nether quarters which I thought was dead clever. However, I got a right wigging from sir. Had he never heard of a pushmi-pullyu? Obviously not! I said I sometimes designed the sets. I don’t think my draughtsmanship was quite up to my couture skills. One year the theatre invested in an expensive revolving stage. Each location took up a segment of the revolve, rather like a box of cheese triangles. There was a mix-up over imperial and metric and as it came round at the first technical rehearsal it was revealed that the doors of the witch’s lair didn’t match up with those of Sleeping Beauty’s bedchamber.! At the same rehearsal the director kept demanding more sparkle, whereas I’d gone for a pared-down shabby chic look. So there I was with a huge pot of glitter paint, trying to touch up the cave of jewels during the lighting rig. Every time I put brush to set, there would be a blackout and the whole caboodle revolved. I ended up with more paint on myself than I did on the scenery. The subsequent review in The Times said I was a genius. Nevertheless, it took me weeks to get rid of the glitter which managed to get into my every crevice. And with that thought, dear reader, I wish you a Merry Christmas!

Ralph Oswick was artistic director of Natural Theatre for 45 years and is now an active patron of Bath Comedy Festival