Beware of the advertising world’s grand claims

Do we really believe what advertisers tell us? I’m thinking particularly of such claims as ‘Reduces the appearance of wrinkles’ here.

Many people, looking at their sagging features in the bathroom mirror would interpret that as ‘Gets rid of wrinkles,’ give it the benefit of the doubt and pay through the (wrinkled) nose for it.

Toothpastes are the worst. If a plastic tube of rehydrated chalk could do all the things they reckon, then toothpaste could save the world. Bring it on!

The choices and the claims are myriad. The refrain used to be a simple ‘You’ll wonder where the yellow went.’

Now an army of fake dentists and snake oil salespersons (always holding a pointy thing) have assembled to befuddle us with mock technology, cross sections and tales of enervating sensitivity.

Talk of plaque, tartar and gingival pockets sends us hot foot to the personal hygiene aisle.

I’ve had toothpaste that contains a blue dye: blue equals white if you recall mother’s washing day blue bags. ‘See the difference immediately!’

Well, the difference was that my flannels, towels and lips gained nasty blue stains while my teeth steadfastly remained an attractive shade of British Beige.

I’ve had toothpaste that contains reflective crystals, supposedly creating a sparkling Hollywood smile.

Tom Cruise it was not. True Grit was the film title that came to mind!

I’ve had eco, electro, Day-glo, possibly psycho and every kind of stripe, to no avail. I’ve even tried pineapple flavour. Paradoxically, I had to brush my teeth after using that! Best squeezed on rice pudding methinks.

Toothpastes traditionally come in tubes that are a composite of aluminium and plastic, meaning your average rubbish collection service can’t recycle them – an estimated 1.5 billion single-use toothpaste tubes are thrown away globally each year. You can check if yours can be recycled.

Now don’t get me on shampoos. Actually, do get me on shampoos, I need to vent my fury! There are shampoos to make your hair shine and shampoos to reduce shine. There are those that claim to cure frizz and others that apparently induce frizziness. Darken, lighten, reduce the appearance of flakes (sound familiar?), prevent tangles or make you smell like Christmas?

It’s all there, and I know that not everyone’s hair is the same. But when they claim they can waft you to Paradise while sorting out your greasy bits, there’s surely a legal line to be crossed? It’s just shampoo!

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but in Tokyo with Natural Theatre, I bought a large bottle of shampoo for communal use. We used it every night after many hours being stuck in sweaty latex Conehead masks in the unbearable humidity. After a week, our Japanese assistant politely enquired as to why we were using dog anti-flea treatment.

Apart from some thinning at the back (what the eye doesn’t see etc) at 72 I still have a decent head of hair.

I put this down to my impoverished art school days, when every day for three years I washed my flowing hippie locks with supermarket own brand washing up liquid.

Ralph Oswick was artistic director of Natural Theatre for 45 years and is now an active patron of Bath Comedy Festival