Trip back in time with the replica Tardis

On the radio recently they were encouraging listeners to phone in with the funniest things they had ever been asked.

I didn’t call, but it did make me remember a couple of corkers, which appropriately were directed at me during Bath Comedy Festival.

A few years back those wonderful guys at Hawker Joinery made us a highly realistic replica Tardis with a hatch from which to disseminate information about the week’s events.

It was a hefty piece of kit but with the use of a sturdy trolley, we installed it outside Bath railway station, stuffed it with posters and leaflets and at one time even distributed free ice cream.

There were racks for programmes and it became a worthy Instagram rival to the adjacent row of red phone boxes so beloved of Japanese visitors.

Not that they were likely to attend any of our events, but it was fun to do.

Because the Tardis design is copyright, instead of ‘Police Box,’ we labelled it ‘Polite Box,’ complete with a flashing blue light on top.

I was staffing it for the first time when a classic hen party stumbled out of the station, complete with unfeasibly high heels, some half empty vodka bottles, the obligatory inflatable man, and mother of the bride at the rear, inappropriately dressed and carrying the coats.

Their boas were already distributing copious amounts of pink feathers on the pristine pavements of our fair city.

One of the ladies staggered up. She studiously circled the booth, waving her vodka bottle, and then, wobbling on her stilettos, asked ’Hmm, Polite Box. Is there an Impolite Box?’

What they really wanted to know, as they posed for a mass photo with yours truly, was the location of the nearest cocktail bar.

This, despite the huge sign on the adjoining archway screaming half price happy hour!

Later that day, from my hatch, I observed a chap sitting on the steps of Brunel Square devouring an enormous pizza, with a large Coke on the side. And chips.

Having finished his repast, he gathered up the box and accompanying greasy detritus, strolled over, dumped the lot on my display ledge and said, ‘Can you get rid of this for me mate?’ and promptly went off to catch his train.

Following that, a German tourist towing a large wheelie suitcase enquired as to the whereabouts of a certain guesthouse.

I pointed vaguely in the direction of Oldfield Park and suggested that maybe a taxi would be the best option.

As the disgruntled gentleman walked away, he turned and said sardonically over his shoulder, ‘It says Information, but it seems you know nothing!’

And finally, after getting a smattering of genuine enquiries about the Comedy Festival, a man rushed up in obvious panic.

‘Have you got a toilet in there?’ he asked frantically.

Bearing in mind it was a Tardis in which I was stationed, I replied ‘Sorry, chum. It’s much smaller in here than you might imagine!’

Ralph Oswick was artistic director of Natural Theatre for 45 years and is now an active patron of Bath Comedy Festival