Ralph Oswick: How to relax in a heatwave (not)

Ididn’t think I relied that much on technology. You can count the apps on my phone on one hand, I don’t do any social media apart from a blog which I’ve forgotten how to access. I have no smart devices and Alexa has never darkened my door.

The most technical thing I have in my house is the key fob that opens our main gates.

I once let the Amazon man in whilst watching a show at Edinburgh Fringe. I’m going to see if it works from a plane next time I’m banking over Bath on an Easyjet. Eek, what if it accidentally opened the plane door?

The other week my telly stopped working. Pixelation on every channel. But, I thought, at least I still had Netflix. But then my broadband went on the blink.

I was distraught, and to calm down I switched on Radio Three, to be met by a continuous hiss from my purple Roberts wireless. What no Beethoven? No Scarlatti?

First off, I thought it was one of that programme’s slow radio features. You know, fifteen minutes of someone walking in the snow. Maybe they were broadcasting the sound of a tap running? Nope, just a hiss.

My last refuge for some relaxing leisure time was my mobile phone. Yes, I could at last finish that Jane

Austen omnibus on my Audio channel. Some hope. In their wisdom, the manufacturers of mobile phones do not consult each other on the subject of charger sockets. None of them are the same.

My new phone’s battery was completely flat and none of my half a dozen chargers was compatible. (Sorry, did I not tell you my old phone had packed up?)

I had to get a special plug and connector couriered over at great expense. Could they not have included a charger in the package?

Anyway, after about three hours of retuning, helplines, was this helpful yes-no-don’t-know, cable tracing, button pushing and phone a friend, things started to work again. Even my old phone made a feeble attempt to receive a text.

The light on my hub suddenly glowed a reassuring blue, my radio burst into life and dozens of emails flashed up on my screen.

This was in the middle of the heatwave, and instead of relaxing on my balcony with an icy pink gin, I was reduced to a sweating, angry, frustrated wreck.

Only my concern for the environment had prevented me throwing the lot out of my window into the river below!

A cold shower was called for, but to top it all, the switch on my extractor fan had broken and the bathroom was like an oven!

As I said, I didn’t think I relied on technology, but for one awful afternoon I felt utterly bereft.

Things are back to normal now. At least I think they are. Apparently, there’s going to be another heatwave. The face recognition on my mobile has stopped working. I sincerely hope this isn’t a harbinger of another technical white-out.

Best check the level of that gin bottle!