OVERCOMING SELF-GUILT
How to manage self-guilt when it comes to getting an aesthetic treatment and finally do something for yourself
The world is changing. With the introduction of social media, previously hush-hush conversations are being had, unchallenged social norms are being brought to the forefront of society, and difference and diversity is being celebrated like never before. Why then, are we, and in particular women, still feeling guilty about a little bit of filler here, or the odd bit of botulinum toxin there? Beauty Uncovered spoke with Dr Mayoni Gooneratne about the types of self-guilt, the causes and the potential solutions.
The shocking truth
“In a recent survey at my clinic,” says Dr Gooneratne, “83% of our patients hadn’t told their friends or family that they were receiving aesthetic treatments.” In a society that wants women to be beautiful yet effortless and natural, financially self-sufficient yet a modest spender, confident yet flawed, Dr Gooneratne finds that the key reasons people don’t want to reveal they’ve sought out an aesthetic tweakment include: feeling guilty for being frivolous with money and spending it on themselves, worrying that other people will think they’re vain or unintelligent, and manufactured societal pressures and ideas. She says, “All these concerns are valid things to bring up in a consultation with your practitioner, so write a list and bring this with you so you can get everything out in the open.”
83% of our patients hadn't told their friends or family that they were receiving aesthetic treatments
Financial worries
A 2020 report by leading gender equality charity the Fawcett Society in partnership with Starling Bank found that shockingly, women living in couples with a male partner are almost twice as likely than men to feel guilty (37% vs 21%) when purchasing something for themselves. Even more worryingly, the findings support research undertaken as part of Starling Bank’s Make Money Equal campaign which looked at the way the media talks about women, and found that 65% of articles define women as excessive spenders, advising them to limit shopping ‘splurges’, save small sums or depend on financial support.
“People tend to have the most guilt about personal finances and how much they spend on themselves,” notes Dr Gooneratne, “People don’t mind spending money on their children, partners, or even friends, but spending it on themselves triggers guilt.” This kind of financial guilt can be exacerbated if the thing we have bought ourselves is classed as ‘non-essential’ either by society or in the grand scheme of things, a ‘want’ for example rather than a ‘need’.
What you can do: “We know these treatments can be expensive,” says Dr Gooneratne, “But we also don’t want finances to be a barrier to improving your confidence. At my clinic we offer flexible payment plans, and bespoke schemes tailored to the patient. You deserve to spend money on yourself and in the long run, the right aesthetic treatment can end up costing you less than another decade of buying basic and ineffective skincare. Don’t be embarrassed to discuss any financial worries with your practitioner and we will try our hardest to accommodate your needs, as our main goal here is to get you feeling your best – you deserve it!”
Cultural guilt
“Injectable treatments are not often spoken about by people of skin of colour and it’s complicated,” says Dr Gooneratne, “A longstanding obsession with western or Caucasian beauty ideals has led people with skin of colour to focus on celebrating their natural beauty, and therefore the idea of using toxin and fillers to change your non-white features is considered by some as an antiquated betrayal of culture.” The aesthetics and beauty industries have been Caucasian
centric for some time now and despite significant strides, there is still a gap in the market for more representation of people with skin of colour." Last year a survey by the Black Aesthetics Advisory Board reported that 86% of skin of colour patients said that aesthetic brands needed to be more aware. “Lots of skin of colour patients feel excluded from the aesthetics industry, and this exclusion can turn to fear as there is a lack of medical information about the effects of these treatments on skin of colour,” explains Dr Gooneratne, “They worry not only about their safety, but about being excluded from their culture that isn’t being encouraged to be part of the industry, and therefore don’t understand the feeling of wanting to seek out a treatment.”
What you can do: “This is where being open and honest with your practitioner is essential,” says Dr Gooneratne, “This can sometimes be difficult if you are talking to a practitioner with different skin to your own so you can always research and find a practitioner who is skilled in treating skin of colour, and who can understand your very personal concerns.”
She adds, “I would recommend writing down all the reasons you think you might feel guilty about seeking out an aesthetic treatment before your consultation,” she continues, “Then speak to your practitioner about those concerns. We’re here to make you feel as informed as possible so really use this time to voice any concerns you have, medical and personal. I’m Sri Lankan and have been an aesthetic practitioner for some years and my mother still doesn’t understand aesthetics! You won’t be able to please everyone, but this isn’t about everyone else, it’s about you!”
Social shaming
All around the world the vast majority of women feel an unspoken compulsion to look good whenever they are out in public. This may seem vain, but the truth is far more sinister. “It’s a sad truth that women often simply cannot afford to look tired or unkempt if they want to be taken seriously, get ahead, or even just be seen,” says Dr Gooneratne. “But with this social expectation to look good, comes a heavy social criticism of any women who are seen to care about their appearance, it’s a toxic catch-22,” she adds.
“I have a lot of women coming into the clinic for consultations that say they are scared of the ‘over-done' look,” explains Dr Gooneratne, “They would love a bit of a refresh, but they’re worried about looking too overdone and not being taken seriously by society.”
There is also an issue among women of looking too good, she adds. “I see a lot of women in my clinic who have spent their whole lives dealing with confidence issues, and as inexplicable as it sounds, they’re worried about the attention that might come their way if they take steps to enhance their appearance, negative and positive.”
Marianne Williamson, author, self-help guru and spiritual advisor to Oprah (stay with us here!) writes in her book
A Return to Love, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure… We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” Dr Gooneratne suggests that the COVID-19 pandemic has made a lot of women who have struggled with their appearance want to make a change. “I think it has been a life-changing time for a lot of us; a stark reminder that we need to live in the moment, seize the day, ask ourselves why shouldn’t we feel the best we possibly can, and not for anyone else,” she says.
What you can do: “In my clinic we can help combat the fear of the unknown and looking too overdone by using a 3D simulator to upload your image and apply the treatments we’ve discussed so you can get an idea of what the results will look like,” says Dr Gooneratne. “A lot of people don’t know how subtle the results can be, and this can help show that it’s about enhancing your own natural beauty, not making you look like everyone else.”
When it comes to issues with longstanding selfconfidence, Dr Gooneratne suggests therapy as a good way to help. “Bad feelings about the way we look run deep, and are constantly exacerbated by society,” she says, “Maybe you were bullied for looking a certain way, or a specific feature of your appearance; maybe your mother put her own image issues on you as a child. For whatever reason, talking through the possible reasons why you have issues with your appearance might not make you change your mind about getting aesthetic treatments, but it could make sure you are getting them for the right reasons.” Dr Gooneratne also has a group of loyal patients that act as ambassadors for her clinic. She explains, “They’re fantastic women and are always happy to talk frankly and honestly to anyone who is nervous about treatments, showing how natural the results can be and explaining how great it’s made them feel, so get in touch! I would also suggest to anyone with worries of any sort that we start small, maybe with skincare, and work up to other treatments. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and we can take as much time as you need!”
The idea of using toxin and fillers to change your nonwhite features is considered by some as an antiquated betrayal of culture