I’m afraid I’ll upset my son

QI was in an abusive relationship with my son’s father and he forced me to give the baby his surname when he was born, even though he walked out on us a month later and we’ve not seen him since. I brought him up on my own for three years until I met the man who I’m now happily married to. My son is now seven and calls my husband “Daddy”, although he does remember when it was just the two of us. I’m about to have another baby and my son has been asking questions, like why he has a different surname, and once the baby is born, I’m worried he’ll feel even more like the odd one out. I’ve never spoken to him about his biological father. He is a bit of a worrier, and I don’t want to upset him. I think he knows

AI think the important thing here, as with all parenting issues, is to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Maybe it’s worth admitting to your daughter that you’re trying to find your way through this and you don’t have all the answers. That might allow her to be less guarded as you’re trying to work it out together. Ask her how she feels. Explain that part of your concern is that you want to protect her from being in any situation where she feels out of her depth. I think there’s a difference between having a group sleepover and a one-to-one, especially as this is an already formed friendship group. But it might be worth making ground rules, like asking that they don’t share a bed and making sure there is parental supervision where the sleepovers are taking place. my husband isn’t his biological father. I’ve looked into getting his name changed, but it won’t answer all his questions and I don’t want to tell him about my previous relationship.

AThe fact that you think your son knows that your husband isn’t his biological father tells me quite a lot. I understand that you want to protect your son from being upset, but life isn’t always a bed of roses, and dealing with difficult issues head on makes us more resilient, robust and able to face the next hurdle that comes our way. On some level, whether it’s been explained to him or not, your son knows that there is something not straightforward between him and his daddy. It’s far more anxiety nasty comments at me when I was about to leave the house. Now that things have eased, the difficulties have returned. I love him and want to be with him, but how do I get past this?

provoking for a child to be left not knowing than it is to have these situations explained clearly. He will pick up on the minutest level of tension in the air whenever the topic is discussed. For example, if a casual acquaintance who didn’t know the circumstances were to comment on how much he looks like his daddy, your son would pick up on the ever-so-slightly uncomfortable feeling in you. He might not even be consciously aware that he noticed it, but kids are acutely attuned to their parents’ emotions. Of course, you need to use age-appropriate language and you don’t have to go into detail about the abuse you suffered. You could say something like, “He gave me you, which was the best gift ever, but I knew your daddy would be a better daddy for you, so I waited for him to come and find us.” Siblings do find it hard when a new baby arrives, so explaining things clearly will be helpful, as will changing his name. You’ve created a safe, happy family for him to grow up in and that’s not going to change. are entitled to tell him that it isn’t OK for him to speak you like he does, but give him the reassurances he needs. Hopefully this will help loosen his hold on you, but if not, you may need to walk away.