I can’t help but grieve

Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems

QI found out the other day that my ex-husband, who was abusive to me and a thoroughly horrid man, has died of COVID. He is the father of my two boys, who are now 18 and 16. They haven’t had much to do with him since I left when they were seven and five. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. When I’m sad, I tell myself he doesn’t deserve my grief after all the pain he caused. But then I feel sorry for his mum, who is a good woman, and no matter what, he’s her child. The boys seem to be doing OK. I asked them if they want to go to the funeral and they don’t. They said that he hasn’t bothered much with them over the years, so why should they? I don’t know if I should try to persuade them, just to get some closure.

AThere is no right or wrong way for you to feel. How we act on those feelings may be a different matter, but the feelings themselves are never wrong. You don’t need to berate yourself for feeling sad. An abusive relationship is rarely torturous from the start. I imagine when you first got together, you saw promise and hope for your future. He played a significant role in your life, no matter what. When someone dies, it isn’t simply the fact that this person no longer exists that provokes an emotional response. It’s not that you are going to miss him, as he no longer played a role in your life, but you also grieve for yourself. It’s a reminder of your own mortality, knowing that someone who once

provoked such strong feelings and was such a powerful presence no longer walks this earth, and that we are all only heading in one direction. Grief is often more complicated when the relationship in life was not straightforward. There can be a sadness attached to the loss of hope. Hope that he’d realise how badly he’d treated you and offer you some remorse. Hope that he would come through for your boys and be the dad he should have been. When it comes to parents, we do miss what we’ve never had. So, it may be important for your boys to get in touch with all that they have been robbed of, because this man failed you all so completely. He robbed them of a dad they could look up to, feel supported by and respect. The funeral may give them the chance to feel some of this. Perhaps they believe that by going, it would be a betrayal to you. It may be worth reassuring them that attending the funeral isn’t about him. It’s about them. Maybe you could even go with them if numbers allow, to put your own demons to rest.