What do I tell him about his father?

Q

My ten-year-old son hasn’t seen his dad since he left nine years ago. He was an angry man, possibly an alcoholic, and I heard his relationships after me involved violence. He even spent time inside. But my son keeps asking when he’s going to meet him. I’ve always just brushed over it, telling him that he does love him, but we can’t be together. But now he’s getting older, these answers aren’t satisfying his curiosity. Should I tell him the truth? The thought of my son spending any time with him terrifies me.

A

On one hand, you want your son to believe he is loved, as so many children who have absent parents believe they are in some way to blame. But you also want to protect him from potential harm. I think the choices you’ve made so far have been good ones, so trust your instincts. Give him a little more detail in an ageappropriate way, and speak about his father’s difficulties as an illness, so you stay away from adding your own judgements about his dad’s behaviour. Once he’s older and able to understand the implications, he can decide for himself if he wants a relationship with him. Unfortunately, it’s very common to idealise an absent parent. Your son is missing the idea of a father, not the actual man. It’s a shame that the reality and the fantasy don’t match up.