I’m struggling to cope

Q

I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was about 12. I never married and lived with my parents, eventually becoming their carer. My dad recently passed away from cancer – the last couple of months were horrific. Due to financial issues, Mum and I had to sell the family home very quickly, and now we’re in a tiny flat. We both hate it. I miss my dad, my home and my old way of life, and I can see no hope of ever being happy again. I know we’re all struggling at the moment and there are people worse off than me, but I am completely overwhelmed. My anxiety manifests as physical symptoms, which make me believe I’ve got some sinister illness. I’m terrified all the time. Is there anything I can do to get through this?

A

You’ve been through so much in the past year. I’m not surprised you’re struggling to imagine a time when you can feel happy again. You’ve suffered the enormous loss of your dad, and then, while you’re in the deepest throes of grief, you had to give up all that feels safe to you and let go of your family home. And all this on top of the other losses that everyone has felt caused by the pandemic. Throughout your unedited letter, there are little clues about how considerate you are to other people, but you don’t show that level of compassion to yourself. It seems like you think your sadness is an overindulgence

and you should be able to pull yourself together and move on. I think you’re asking too much of yourself, and you need to show yourself a little more patience and kindness. Grief is painful, and our instinct is to get rid of it quickly and get as far away from the pain as possible. But the more we deny or ignore it, the longer it stays with us. It’s hard, but in order to get to the blue sky above, you have to go through the darkest clouds. Let yourself feel your sorrow, instead of focusing on when it’s going to stop. Anxiety occurs when we aren’t processing the difficult feelings life throws our way, so they build up and then leak out inappropriately whenever they get the chance. It’s not surprising you are feeling it physically, and worrying about your own health. I would really recommend talking through your grief with someone. Cruse bereavement (Cruse.org.uk) are a fantastic charity who support people who are grieving. Giving their helpline a call would be a good place to start to process those feelings in a healthy way.