Kate Medlin offers advice
Q I don’t know who to turn to about the way I’m feeling. All I do is cry all the time. Everything changed last year when our daughter died. She was only in her 30s, and had two young children. We might need to be their legal guardians because their father isn’t sure he’s up to looking after them by himself. I can’t get my head round how she died because she took her own life. We don’t really know what happened and might never know why she did it. We did everything together. Why didn’t I see it coming? Was there anything I could have done that would have stopped her? What did I miss? My husband’s finding it hard, too – it’s just too much. I feel so alone. I can’t talk to anyone about it – I’m not sure they’d know what to say. What can they say anyway? The pain I’m feeling is unbearable. I just miss her so much.
A Dealing with the death of your daughter is painful enough, but losing her through suicide takes a particularly severe toll. Parents who have been through this tragedy are often tormented by thoughts of what they didn’t do, what they might have missed, what they should have done differently that may have prevented this most dreadful of outcomes. And, unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to suicide. I wonder if this is why you feel you can’t talk to anyone? Less than six months have passed since
you lost your precious daughter. The pain feels unbearable, but you are still right at the rawest part of your grief. I’m not saying time will heal this deep wound, because it won’t. But life will grow around it, especially as you have your grandchildren to focus on, and they are going to need you more than ever. For now, the best you can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Keep talking to your husband and your two other children. Try not to suffer in isolation from each other, as you are all going through this terrible ordeal together. Take it in turns to support each other. No one needs to be the strong one all of the time. Research has shown that it can be extremely helpful to talk to other families who have been through this tragedy, who are perhaps further along the journey than you and can offer you an insight into how they managed to keep going. SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide) has a helpline and other resources to support families such as yours – Uksobs.org