Kate Medlin offers advice
Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems
My controlling son-in-law
QI am 72 and have been retired for a couple of years. I live with my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren. A few years ago, we sold our flats and bought a house together, but these last couple of years, things haven’t been going well. My son-in-law is very controlling, and it’s been worse since lockdown as he’s been working from home. He’s quite spiteful towards me. I have always helped out, bringing up their kids, paying some bills, and all my money is tied up in the house. He now earns a good wage and it seems I’m no longer of use. I feel mentally and emotionally bullied. My daughter says she feels in the middle, but seems to support her husband. This has caused a lot of trouble in the family as he’s fallen out with others, too. I’m worried I’m going down the same path. I love them dearly, but I don’t know what to do for the best.
AI think there’s more going on here than meets the eye. You say that it’s the last couple of years that have been particularly difficult, and this coincides with your retirement. Throw into the mix the fact that your son-in-law’s career has gone in the opposite direction and he is now far more financially stable than he was when you all made the decision to pool your resources. So, his sense of his own authority has gone up, while perhaps you have your own feelings about retiring. We sometimes link our sense of who we are to what we do for a living.
It gives our days and weeks a structure, and means that we are contributing to the wider world. It’s possible that, on some level, you remind him of a time when he wasn’t financially independent and needed you to help. Perhaps in order to combat that uncomfortable feeling, he asserts his authority over you. People try to control their environment as a defence against feeling unworthy and useless. I wonder if you and your son-in-law are scrapping over control because you both feel unsure about your own worth. You’re playing tug of war with him, and it will continue until one of you lets go. However, if living with him has really become unbearable and you’re worried that it’s going to impact your relationship with your daughter, perhaps you should find a way to move out. Could they buy you out now they are more financially comfortable? I imagine you got on well before all this got in the way, so I’d hope you can rediscover that aspect of your relationship and remember why you thought it was a good idea to live together.