Why do I fall for bad guys?

Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems

QI grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally abusive when he drank, and a wonderful dad when he didn’t. I’ve noticed that I tend to be drawn to emotionally damaged men who turn out to be addicted to a substance, or are emotionally unavailable. Why, when I’ve seen close up the damage that men like this can do to a family, am I attracted to this type? I’m getting to the point where if I’m attracted to a man, I run in the other direction as I’m sure they’re hiding some form of damage. But I’m not attracted to nice men. So, what am I supposed to do? I tried to date a nice man and it felt like I was kissing my brother. There wasn’t any sexual chemistry. Am I cursed to continue this pattern or stay single?

AYou’ve taken an important first step in getting yourself out of the cycle of this pattern, and that is to recognise that you’re in it. It’s a very unhelpful human trait that we are programmed to repeat the pain of our past, to revisit the wounds time and time again as a way to try to repair them. Each time you fall for a damaged man, it’s an unconscious attempt to fix your dad. As the child of an emotionally unstable parent, you would have internalised his flaws as if they were in some way your fault, and therefore your responsibility to fix. This is deep-rooted, which is why the pull you feel towards complicated men is so strong. However, you’ve already started to tune your radar into picking

out the ones who will probably mean trouble in the long run. So, try not to be too hard on yourself, and remember that this legacy also means that you are a kind, caring, empathic person with a lot of love to give. I would suggest you don’t automatically behave as if your attraction to a man will translate into trouble and heartbreak further down the line. Just think about it – your male equivalents are out there, too. Men who have had difficult parents, which has led to them needing to look after everyone else, too. Just because it didn’t feel right when you kissed one “nice guy” doesn’t mean it would always feel that way. This is about boundaries and learning where to set them, so that you see the red flags when they appear, but don’t see red flags where there aren’t any. Think about what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship, and what’s a deal-breaker. You could even write yourself a list as it’s harder to recognise once you’re in it. It can also help to think about what you’d want for your best friend.