Kate Medlin offers advice
QI have an eight-monthold son. He was born during lockdown, and even though life has opened up, I’ve got used to being with him all the time. The longest I’ve ever been apart from him was when I had to go to a hospital appointment when he was three months old, and it was so terrible, I haven’t left him since. I kept thinking of all the bad things that could happen to him because I wasn’t there to keep him safe. My husband wants us to go out for dinner, or even away for a weekend. I can’t imagine leaving him with anyone when I’m not even comfortable leaving him with his own dad! I have good friends who have offered to babysit, and my husband’s mum lives nearby
– I don’t see my mum – and has said she’d love to have him overnight. But I cannot bear the idea of it. I know I wouldn’t enjoy myself as I’ll be worrying about him the whole time.
AThe biggest clue you offer me is those words, “I don’t see my mum.” The fact that you have reached the stage where she is no longer in your life must mean that things were not easy for you growing up. If, for whatever reason, she was unable to meet your emotional needs, it’s possible that you in turn cannot bear to think of your baby needing you and you not being there. However, it’s important that you realise that by not allowing him to experience what it feels like to be separate from you, you’re teaching him that the world is not safe unless you are present. This is the perfect recipe to create an anxious child, and this feeling will follow him into
adulthood and affect how he is with friends and relationships. You need to teach him that you leave, but you always come back. The playful game “peek-a-boo” is the perfect expression of this important lesson. Separation, and how it’s managed, is an important part of parenting. From the moment he left the safe, warm womb, to when he goes to the childminder, his first day of school, has sleepovers with his friends, and even goes off to university. You need to teach him that he’s free to experience all of these moments without being crippled by the fear of separation. Your husband should play a vital role in this process, as to start with, he represents the rest of the world – the world that isn’t “mummy and baby”. So, perhaps you can start by leaving your son with him for an hour or so. It’s also vital for them to be able to bond in your absence. I know it’s painful, especially when you haven’t had a good mothering role model. But I promise you that you will be doing right by your baby boy – and you
– if you let him know that it’s safe to be away from you.