MEN VS MIDLIFE

If your partner is showing warning signs of a midlife crisis, here’s what to do...

We’ve all heard of a midlife crisis before, whether it’s part of a TV show’s storyline or happening to someone we know. It mostly affects men in their late 30s, 40s and 50s and many believe a crisis is related to psychological causes, while others argue hormonal changes are to blame.

The tell-tale signs are all too familiar – buying a flash car or motorbike, wearing age-inappropriate clothes, getting a tattoo or piercings, taking up extreme forms of exercise or worse, having an affair.

Generally, underneath all this comes a change in thinking that forces men to reassess their future, including their love life and career. It comes from a desire to find purpose, or a belief that everyone else is happier than they are. Celebrities aren’t immune either. Johnny Depp seemed to have a midlife crisis when he left the mother of his children, Vanessa Paradis, after 14 years together for Amber Heard, 22 years his junior.

Ben Aff leck also showed danger signs when he separated from his then wife Jennifer Garner and subsequently appeared in disarray – unshaven, bleary-eyed and sporting an ill-advised back tattoo, not forgetting his later romance with the nanny and going to rehab. Matrimonial consultant Sheela Mackintosh-stewart has seen many cases in her career. She says, “Midlife crises are often emotional meltdowns, triggered by a greater questioning and awareness of mortality and a reevaluation of one’s life. It can start with something small, such as hair loss, or a bigger event like the death of a friend or parent. It may also be brought on by ‘super stressors’, such as a feeling of ‘going nowhere’ in a career or serious job-related pressure, and even a manifestation of empty nest syndrome after children leave home.” The crisis typically occurs around age 35, when life satisfaction plummets – perhaps not surprising with the drudgery and pressures of daily life.

‘Midlife crises are often triggered by awareness of mortality’

“The combination of striving to earn enough to meet family needs, raising kids and juggling work-life can really take its toll,” says Sheela. “Dashed life, career and marital expectations and disappointments are increasingly felt, causing optimism to dip to an all-time low.

“The enormous and confusing strain of going through midlife often falls on a man’s partner and sadly, I have witnessed its detrimental effect on the demise of marriages and broken families when not handled or managed well.” Here, Sheela reveals the crisis signs to look out for and advises what to do – and what not to do – if you think your man might be in the midst of one.

Changes

You may notice that your other half isn’t himself. Perhaps he has mood swings or seems withdrawn, is becoming sad and depressed, has selflimiting thoughts, is anxious about the future, unhappy, difficult or angry. He may no longer enjoy his job and wants a sportier car. He could be questioning the meaning and realities of life, as well as the state of your relationship by muttering that you have “grown apart” or that he is “no longer in love with you”, but his reasons are vague.

Other signs might include an increased consumption of alcohol or food, lack of sexual appetite or gambling.

You may wonder, “What can

I do? Is this a typical rite of passage? How long will it take?” Remember, you are far from being alone and not all men go through such extreme midlife crises; many have much milder forms.

Step up

A crisis could heat up slowly over time, so don’t be blind-sided. Be focused and alert to any indicators of odd or rash behaviour. If your partner is expressing phrases of discontent such as “I don’t know what I want” or “it’s not about you, it’s me”, take them as a signal that requires you to act.

A man’s closest ally during a midlife crisis is his other half and a strong partnership, so the best thing for it is to step up. The worst thing to do would be to bury your head in the sand and wait for the worst to pass.

Primarily, most men want and need to feel respected, even more so than being loved and sexually desired. If a guy feels disrespected, he finds it hard to love and may then punish his partner by being unloving.

Listen

Men tend to mentally and emotionally shut off when challenged with heavy emotional discussions. So instead of cornering him with questions such as, “Why are you behaving like this?” or, “Is there someone else?”, adopt a different tact instead. Show him you are listening. Use words carefully as hurtful ones are hard to recall once they’re out of your mouth. Try saying something like, “I can see you’re struggling – tell me how I can help.” Or ask him if there’s one thing in his life that he would like to see improved that would help ease any frustration or anxiety he’s feeling. Then brainstorm together on how to accomplish this.

By sitting down together and writing down how you imagine the rest of your life to be, you may discover your shared goals and common sense of purpose, which will unite you. This will set the tone to helping him deal with his crisis, especially if he starts to improve.

Strike the right balance

Inevitably, during this crisis period, it’s easy to feel defeated and destabilised because you feel you have little or no control over what happens in your partner’s life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take control of yours or your family’s lives. It’s vital that you take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.

Remember your own values and strive to meet his needs without giving into something you don’t believe in. Set clear boundaries including what you will be prepared to accept and how much you will sacrifice while ensuring he accepts responsibility for his own actions.

Once he starts seeing changes and results, whether that be if the finances are stable or a reignited sex life, he is more likely to believe that you are better together, as a team, than apart.

Adultery

If you suspect your husband is having an affair or he has confessed to one, it is undoubtedly difficult to forgive him and move on, as extreme feelings of hurt and betrayal often trigger divorce. Blaming each other is inevitable and although a midlife crisis is no excuse for cheating or bad behaviour, be careful not to give in to knee-jerk reactions. Take time to fully explore if your relationship is worth saving. If you both believe it is, make a joint commitment to learn from the mistakes and repair what needs healing. Explore and address any underlying problems and show forgiveness to enable the rebuilding of trust. Open and honest communication is key here and it’s important to help your partner take ownership and accountability for his actions before jointly making positive changes to your relationship.

Beware

Never shoulder all the blame for a midlife crisis. It’s easy to do when you’re feeling defeated, especially if your partner projects blame on to you. If he does, tread cautiously but not too lightly. If you are too quick to fold and give into his demands, you’ll run the risk of losing everything – including your pride. Ensure any decisions or plans to change are made by the both of you.

As tempting as it is to criticise your partner and point out his failings, this is counter-productive and could make his feelings of anxiety or depression worse. Instead of passive aggressive behaviour, choose to do things differently. Nurturing and loving ways are often the best medicines in times of dealing with someone’s inner turmoil.

‘Show him you are listening and use words carefully’