I can’t leave my partner

Q

I feel as if I’m in a rut. I’ve been with my partner for seven years, but we are not intimate and don’t even share the same bed. I feel as if we are more friends than partners and are staying together for convenience, as we have a house together. He has however threatened to hurt himself if I ever left. He said he was “joking”, but I know he is serious. My friends have their own lives, one with children already, whom I adore, and another expecting their first. While I’m happy for them and have never wanted children myself, I’m just not happy in general. I’m in a job I no longer enjoy, but have no idea what it is I would like to do. I sacrificed my dreams of moving away as my partner didn’t want to take the risk. I feel at times that it would be best if I was single.

A

I want you to imagine yourself in 20 years’ time, looking back at you, now. What would you say to yourself if you simply stayed where you are and still felt as stuck as you do now? Similarly, what if you had taken the leap and found yourself living the life you feel you should be leading? While I don’t know the full extent of the situation, it does sound like your partner is suffering from some kind of depression – would he be open to counselling? Or going to see his GP? Would you be interested in going to see someone as a couple? Even if it’s to disentangle yourself so that you no longer feel like you are taking on the responsibility of his problems. Whether what he threatened was a joke or not, I completely understand why

you’ve taken it seriously, but you shouldn’t feel emotionally blackmailed into staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right any more. Does he have any family or friends who you can confide in regarding what he said, so that they are aware of it if you leave? I know that the practical side of splitting up can be such a tricky path to navigate, but it shouldn’t be the reason to stay together. See it as a dark cloud that you need to push through to get to the blue sky beyond it. Providing you feel your partner is safe, do you have somewhere you could stay, such as with family, on a temporary basis to give yourself some breathing space and see what it feels like to get a taste of the freedom you so desire? We only get one life. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, so don’t settle if it doesn’t feel right. Life is never perfect, but it does sound like you deserve to have more moments of joy in yours.