Why do people cheat?
Globally, infidelity is said to be on the rise, destroying marriages and leaving people with serious trust issues, so…
Rose*, 40, loves being dominated in the bedroom, letting herself go completely, and having mind-blowing sex.
Fifty Shades has nothing on her. There’s an intimacy and closeness between her and her partner – an understanding of each other’s needs that are totally fulfilled.
But after the kinky sex, Rose showers, gets dressed and says goodbye to her partner – with both of them going their separate ways back to their respective husband and wife.
Rose has been married for over 10 years and says the
physical side of her marriage has always been ‘safe’.
‘I love my husband, and I still want to be married to him,’ she reveals. ‘I’ve had difficult relationships in the past and it feels good to be in a secure union.’
But while Rose is adventurous in the bedroom, her husband, John*, prefers to make love with the lights off, and sex once a month is enough to satisfy him.
‘Our sex life became routine very quickly,’ Rose explains. ‘I tried to keep the excitement alive, but our physical relationship was very vanilla.’ She says it left her feeling unattractive and unwanted.
Yet she valued their relationship and it was strong in every other way, so she talked to John about her needs.
‘ We weren’t arguing or disagreeing about anything else,’ says Rose. ‘He just didn’t see the need for romance or excitement.’
So, in 2011, after reading an article about Illicit Encounters – a dating site for extramarital affairs – Rose was curious. She didn’t want to separate her family (the couple have one daughter) but she wanted to be fulfilled and, despite discussing her feelings at length, John just wasn’t able to give her what she wanted.
Using the site, she arranged to meet with a man a few towns away from her home, but there was no spark.
The second married man she met was Craig*, who was older than her and stuck in a marriage of convenience. Their connection was instant, and they became physically involved, having what Rose describes as the best sex of her life. ‘ We both went into it with our eyes wide open,’ Rose says, and six years on, they still meet once a week while her husband thinks she’s at work.
But Rose insists it isn’t all about nookie. She and Craig enjoy trips to the cinema and hold hands over dinner – the intimacy they both craved from their marriages but just weren’t getting.
‘I know my husband would be devastated if he knew I was doing this,’ Rose says, admitting to feeling guilty. ‘It never leaves my mind. I tried so hard to get what I needed from him, but he closed the door on that part of our lives.’
She says she’s cheating physically rather than emotionally, and it’s made her happier at home, too. ‘I feel more like me,’ she explains.
And she’s not alone; thousands of British women are signed up to a host of websites that have sprung up over the past few years to facilitate cheating, including ashleymadison.co.uk (notorious for being hacked in 2015, wherein members’ data was leaked), maritalaffair. co.uk, nostringsattached. com, victoriamilan.co.uk and eroticaffairs.com.
A recent survey revealed that 32 per cent of UK women have betrayed a partner or spouse.
But is playing away the answer if something isn’t right in your marriage? Chartered counselling psychologist Leila Collins says it definitely isn’t.
‘If there are problems in a relationship, there are ways of dealing with it,’ Leila says. ‘Cheating isn’t a way to get around difficult things in life.’
She explains it can be devastating for all those involved. ‘By having an affair, you’re not only choosing to hurt yourself, but your family, as well as someone else’s family if you’re cheating with a married man.’
She admits that modern life is difficult, and that couples need to adapt with their environment. ‘People need to understand that hot romance is short-lived, and that changes over time with modern life. Living together, working… relationships change, and you have to change with them.’
But Rose believes her extramarital affair is what’s kept her marriage so strong, and while she accepts that people may condemn her, she says they shouldn’t. ‘No one can judge until they are in that situation themselves,’ she says.
And if the shoe was on the other foot? ‘I think I’d understand if John was having an affair because I wasn’t meeting his needs,’ she explains. ‘ Websites for extramarital affairs wouldn’t exist if people didn’t cheat, and for me, it’s a way my needs can be met without breaking up my family.’
So is it better to try and keep families together if there are aspects of a relationship that aren’t working? Admittedly, everyone’s circumstances are different – but shouldn’t wedding vows mean something?
‘Affairs are betrayal that affect a lot of people,’ Leila says. ‘It’s a way of using and abusing other people’s affection for your own ego, and it’s not ethical. It’s better to separate or seek help, rather than seeking devious ways to feel whole.’
For Rose, however, and women – and men – like her, it’s a way of keeping a relationship together, while finding fulfilment in other ways.
Whether you agree with her or not, cheating just doesn’t look likely to be something that people will stop doing any time soon...
‘For me, it’s a way my needs can be met without breaking up my family’