Happy divorce day? Beware Black Friday – it’s the worst week for marriage

The first Monday in January is known as Divorce Day, as record numbers of unhappy couples file for divorce. Here, award-winning family lawyer Laura Naser answers five of her most asked questions...

1 Where do I start?

It’s really important to get legal advice, even if it’s only a one-off visit. You don’t have to tell your partner that you’re going to a lawyer; but you need to speak to one to discover your options and make an informed decision.

My first meetings with clients tend to range from 90 minutes to two hours – especially if there are children involved. It’s all about how your relationship can be unravelled, whether you’re married or unmarried.

I’m happy to speak to clients on the phone briefly beforehand to get a feel for the issues. I ask them to send me a background chronology of key information about the relationship – including finances. The more info you have in black and white before a meeting, the easier it will be, especially during an emotional situation. It’s easy, when you get upset, to forget things.

As I say in my book: ‘Take control of what you can, empower yourself with knowledge and manage your own feelings and actions.’

2 How much does it cost?

Lawyers charge differently. I charge on a time-spent basis, so however long I spend with you or spend working on your case, you’re charged for that. My hourly rate is £290, plus VAT, but depending on where you live, and the seniority of the lawyer, that will differ.

Always go to a family lawyer – it’s more efficient, and the more experience the better. Legal aid is still available but only in very limited cases, mostly for those involved in domestic abuse allegations. Even then, it can be means-tested and not everyone will qualify.

There are other options: A Have you got any savings? B A credit card you can put it on? C Family and friends you can borrow from? D Could you get a bank loan?

If none of those are an option, there are specific litigation loan funders available, which have become popular over the last few years. You have to go through your lawyer to apply – and satisfy the lender that you will be able to pay it back.

You may be able to apply to court for a legal services order, which is available during a divorce financial case. If you can show your ex can afford it, you can make an application via your lawyer for them to give you a lump sum towards your legal fees.

4 Who gets what financially?

The courts treat married and unmarried couples very, very differently. If you’re unmarried there are no claims against each other by virtue of that relationship, as there is in marriage. If you are unmarried, your claims really come down just to your children or any shared assets. You don’t have any claims for maintenance in your own right.

If you’re married, however, the courts have much more wide-reaching abilities to move money and assets between spouses. The

starting point is fairness and that tends to mean equality as a starting point. The main factor in a divorce negotiation is need. For example: Income needs: What you spend every day on yourself and your children One-off needs: Christmas expenses, birthday presents, insurance, one-off bills Capital needs: A home, a car, furnishings, phone, stamp duty, moving costs

Retirement needs: For your pensions Needs are different in each case, but the rule, generally, is the children’s needs are prioritised, so the scales tend to tip towards the parent who is the main carer.

3 What about our children?

Ideally, plan together how you are going to tell your children. Agree a joint message and don’t lay any blame on either parent, regardless of what the truth is. Children should not be privy to that level of adult detail and so it’s got to be very much, ‘ We both love you and it’s not your fault’.

Absolutely do not draw the children into any disputes.

Cafcass – which stands for Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (cafcass.gov.uk) – is the family court’s own advisors and they have a really good website with lots of useful information.

Resolution.org.uk is set up by family law professionals, with some really good information on supporting children through separations.

There’s an incorrect view that the mother has more rights to care for their children. It’s the parent who has the children more often who has the right to receive child maintenance. And if there’s a 50/50 shared care then there’s no liability for child maintenance unless you’re in the high-earning bracket.

There’s a statutory formula for child maintenance – which applies whether married or not. So, how can you make the person moving out pay up?

The Child Maintenance Service – a government body – are the only people who have the ability to deal with this. So, if someone doesn’t pay, you go to them.

They can find financial details out about the parent who’s moved out – for example, what they are earning and can even go to HMRC. Once they assess what is due they can take action and enforce payment – and if needed, take court action on your behalf.

5 What if we can’t agree?

Everyone dreams of a friendly divorce. The reality is that this is an emotive time and prime territory for disputes.

A huge chunk of my book talks about what to do if you can’t agree to agree. Key points are communication. Think about your tone; what you are saying – is it vital that you say it or are you just trying to point score? Pick your battles. A good test is to ask yourself: ‘Am I being reasonable?’

Ignore the ‘pub divorce lawyer’ who says, ‘My mate went through this...’ – it only passes on preconceived ideas that can be wildly untrue or irrelevant to your case.

If face-to-face disputes are an issue, and you’re struggling verbally, use email, or meeting in a public place. If this doesn’t work, try mediation.

Mediation is largely privately funded – but it’s one person’s hourly rate as opposed to two lawyers negotiating for you, so it can be more cost-effective and far quicker if you’re sitting together in a room rather than going through lawyers.

Mediation isn’t for everyone but there is a way of doing shuttle mediation where you are sat in different rooms, if you can’t bear to be in the same one. But use court as a last resort!