8 steps to ... Save your relationship
With lawyers predicting a spike in divorces thanks to lockdown, we ask self-help guru Paul McKenna to give us the DANGER SIGNS and how to MAKE IT WORK…
We adore them but time locked up with loved ones can put the best relationships to the test. Even our newly married columnist Carol McGiffin is wondering if life cooped up with hubby Mark can stay harmonious when she doesn’t feel like washing her hair and wine o’clock is getting earlier. Here, Paul McKenna looks at ways to stop the conflicts boiling over in the style of TV’s Victora Meldrew and his long-suffering wife Margaret…
1 SPOT TROUBLE
PERSONAL CRITICISM
When either party repeatedly labels the other person as bad, the relationship is threatened. It is perfectly possible to disagree, or dislike what someone does, without being critical of who they are. In other words, it’s vital to distinguish between someone’s identity and their actions.
For example: Jane says, ‘Let’s go to Spain for our holidays next year’ and John replies, ‘I’m not sure about that… maybe we should think about somewhere more local,’ and Jane says, ‘ You are so negative!’
Here, Jane has abandoned discussing holidays and has moved to a personal criticism of John. If the disagreement continues like this, it will be about his character, and sooner or later hers, and not about the holiday.
Jane will get a far more useful answer if she asks, ‘ What sort of holiday would you like?’ Then the two of them can compare their different ideas and find out where they best overlap.
2 BEING DEFENSIVE
The second sign of a relationship in trouble is defensiveness – which is the counterpart to criticism.
For example: If John tells Jane, ‘I’m not negative, you are just unrealistic,’ he defends himself and then counterattacks. The chances of this discussion deteriorating into an argument are very high.
It is remarkable how quickly arguments can escalate when one person is critical and the other is defensive. None of us actually like being criticised, but the trick is to avoid immediately fighting back.
Instead, John could ask, ‘ What makes you say that?’ and it will give him a bit more information and a bit of time to find a way to keep talking and head towards a solution.
3 STONEWALLING
When one partner refuses to engage with the other. This is called ‘stonewalling’ or ‘shutting out’.
For example: If John ignores Jane’s holiday suggestion and says nothing, he’s rejecting the invitation to speak. It’s as though he is shutting a door in her face. If she complains, John might say, ‘Hey, what’s the problem? I didn’t do anything!’
But that is the problem. A relationship is like a game of tennis. If your partner refuses to return the ball or walks off the court, they are not playing tennis any more.
4 CONTEMPT
This is by far the most dangerous! It indicates the relationship is heading for the rocks.
For example: In some cases, the contempt is a sign that the person has already cut themselves off emotionally. They no longer care for their partner, and no longer enjoy their company. Lacking the honesty, or the courage, to leave, they stay and make their own lives and that of their partner miserable.
5 MAKE IT WORK! LISTENING
There are times when it is tempting to tune out when your partner is talking. After you have known them for a while you probably do know roughly what they are going to say. People do often say the same things and raise the same concerns over and over again.
But listening carefully pays dividends. It allows you to notice the small variations which tell you a lot about someone’s mood and, even more importantly, listening carefully is a sign of respect.
Happy couples are good at listening.
For example: When a partner wants to talk about office politics, the other one listens. Maybe they don’t know the people involved, or they think the whole business is silly, but the one talking wants to talk and be heard so that they can get it off their chest. Talking also helps them to think through issues. As we hear ourselves speak, we can understand our ideas better and we all appreciate the chance to do that.
6 RESPONDING
Many things we say and do in daily life are bids for attention.
For example: If you hold out your hand to your partner as you are walking that is a ‘ bid’ to hold hands. It feels bad if your partner ignores it. It feels good if they take your hand and hold it. If you say, ‘Hello’ as you come home that is a ‘ bid’ for a conversation. If all you get back is a flat ‘Hello’ it feels bad. If you get a warm, ‘Hi there. How was your day?’ It feels good. These little bids happen over and over again every day. When partners respond to them, they feel warm towards each other and the relationship is nourished.
7 ADMIRATION
Couples who get on well express their admiration for each other regularly.
For example: They have a habit of noticing beauty and kindness and complimenting each other. You may think your wife, husband or partner looks beautiful. Perhaps you even told them so last year. Well, if you still think it, they’ll definitely appreciate being told more than once a year.
8 VOICE OPTIMISM
Happy couples pay attention to, and comment on, the good things.
For example: They see and share with each other good news and ordinary pleasures. They appreciate life every day. When they see or hear something nice, they share it with their partner and the pleasure is doubled.