A BRIEF AFFAIR

Hi, my name is Mieeeuw (which in your language roughly translates to Clive). However, Graham, when he first picked me up from the local RSPCA centre, decided to name me ‘HRH Prince Theodore of Floofytail’, which I quite like. So you can call me either name, I don’t mind.

I am currently stretching my body across the length of the sofa in a feline superman pose, whilst simultaneously spreading my floof across the cushions as wide as possible. I have dug my claws deep into the fabric. I cannot move from this spot until Graham has come home. I have a secret – and that secret cannot be revealed to anybody but Graham.

Graham and I are great mates, and we get on so well. Our lives fitted together nicely. When he was at work, I was able to work on my fitness regime (which usually consisted of one marathon snooze session followed by two sprint snoozes). And when he came home, we sat together on the sofa and watched TV. He shared his dinner with me. I did not share my dinner with him.

We didn’t do everything together. He would not join me when I sneaked under the fence and dug in the neighbour’s garden. Conversely, I did not join him at the cinema because of my sensitive ears. And so it was important for us to have other friends. Consequently, when he initially started to talk about Tina, I was happy for him.

However, when Tina came to visit for the first time, I quickly changed my mind. From the moment she arrived, I could smell she was trouble. She smelled bad. Really bad.

But I am a reasonable cat so I wanted to make sure before finalising my opinion. I jumped onto her lap for a closer, more forensic sniff – of her neck, her armpits, her hair,

It is not Graham’s fault he has been dazzled by Tina

her bottom. All I could smell was deceit, greed, and cruelty.

‘Oh look,’ Graham had said, ‘Floof really likes you.’ He can be such an idiot.

I really do not know why you humans have not developed your sense of smell to the same extent as cats. You’ve had the same millions of years to evolve as us and this ability to smell the character of a person is so useful. (I know cats kinda accidentally overlooked the usefulness of opposable thumbs but, believe me, we are working on it. Are you working on your sense of smell?)

I was right in my assessment. While Graham was in the room, she patted my head and called me handsome, but the moment he left she pushed me off her lap hissing ‘Naff off you flearidden moggy.’ How dare she – Graham is always very diligent with my flea treatments! Additionally, although I accept that I am a moggy, we prefer to call ourselves ‘felines of multiple pedigrees’.

Annoyingly, Tina visited more and more often until that dreadful day when Graham invited her to move in with us. I spent less and less time in the house. Sometimes it was my own choice, but more often it was because I was forced out of the house with a push from a stilettoed foot.

During these neglectful times I found myself a new friend, three doors down. I don’t know her human name but I call her MeowMewMew meaning ‘the kind lady with the lilac trees’. She always picks me up for a cuddle and gives me treats and tells me I am handsome. Sometimes she asks me where my owner is and why they appear to be neglecting me. I do not tell her. It is not Graham’s fault that he has been temporarily dazzled by the charms of Tina.

Today has been slightly different to normal. Tina came home early. I expected to be ejected from the house but, in fact, she took no notice of me. Closely following her was another man. ‘Quickly, hurry up,’ she said. ‘We don’t have long before Graham gets home.’

She took the man’s hand and they ran up the stairs giggling. As I said, I am a reasonable cat who does not like to jump to conclusions. Possibly Tina was arranging for the bedroom to be redecorated as a surprise for Graham? So, on quiet paws, I tiptoed up the stairs to see what was happening. Needless to say there was no decorating being undertaken. Instead I saw a jumble of naked limbs and crumpled sheets. Clothes were carelessly discarded on the floor.

I knew the truth would hurt Graham. Nevertheless, he needed to know. So quietly and discreetly, I acquired some evidence and returned to the lounge.

A few minutes have passed and I’m still lying here. I can hear panicky sounds from the bedroom. ‘Where are they? They can’t just have disappeared. Graham mustn’t find them. Have you looked under the bed?’

Gulp. Graham’s just arrived home. He’s narrowly missed the ‘not-a-decorator’ man being pushed out of the back door. Tina emerges from the kitchen, holding a wine glass, looking hot and dishevelled. Graham is concerned.

‘Sweetheart, you look flushed. Are you okay?’

‘I got home a bit early,’ replies Tina, ‘so I thought I’d make an energetic start on the housework.’ Graham looks around at a house that looks exactly as it had done that morning. He frowns slightly.

‘Here,’ continues Tina, ‘you must be tired. Sit down next to the cat with this cheeky merlot while I pop upstairs for a shower.’ She hands over the wine glass.

Lovely gullible Graham sits down and strokes my magnificent fur. ‘This is nice,’ he says to me. ‘We’ve not spent much time together recently and I miss it.’

I unclip my claws from the sofa, stretch a little to release the muscle tension, then roll onto my back. In doing so, I reveal my secret.

‘What’s this?’ says Graham, as he gingerly tugs up a pair of crumpled men’s underpants from underneath me, the elasticated waistband declaring ‘Warning. May contain nuts.’

The pants were the evidence that I had conveniently found at the top of the stairs, and which I had dragged downstairs. It wasn’t the nicest thing to do but, luckily, I’m used to licking my own bottom.

I nuzzle up to Graham while he tries to work out the implications of his discovery. Firstly I smell confusion on him. Then I smell realisation. Then I smell resolution.

‘Excuse me, Floof,’ he says, giving me a scratch of my ears, ‘I’ve got to ask someone to leave.’

I am now listening to a heated discussion coming from upstairs. Tina is saying that ‘It’s not what it looks like,’ but Graham is having none of it. I hear Graham saying ‘Collect your things and leave’, and my paws curl in pleasure. I start to knead the sofa and purr.

In time, not tomorrow or next week, but maybe next month, I will visit MeowMewMew. I will feign a sore paw and make her find my owner. Then they will fall in love. Good times are returning - I can smell it in the air.