YO HO HO…
Yes it’s coming, and no you can’t avoid it. Mark Graham channels his inner festiveness – Yuletide solutions, he’s got ’em. Yo-ho-ho…
Bike’s guide to Christmas and there’s not a sock or box of dates in sight.
YES, THE SEASON of goodwill and high-octane domestic incidents is upon us once again… a time when the splendid isolation of the shed/garage/pub is worth its weight in gold, and indeed frankincense and myrhh. If you’re locked in a loveless relationship, hog-tied to a sham of a marriage, mired neck deep in a fruitless search for lasting happiness, this top ten of genuinely lifendaffirming gifts for the one you love, or the one who loves you (and that can mean two different people) might go some way to making 2019 the year you never thought it could be. Assuming at least one resident of the dwelling (while at the same time making the gross assumption that you actually have a dwelling) is interested in both motorcycles – and riding the things, as opposed to merely accumulating a vast array of now valuable and highly-prized objects – here be some gentle steers and nudges towards making life infinitely more palatable for someone. And perhaps even magical. Even for yourself.
First off: it is far better to give than to receive
Does your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/civil partner sit dutifully and somewhat dolefully on the back of the bike while you wobble between kerbs, topple over in petrol stations, and generally fail to be as good as you think you are? If yes, book them an introductory riding course. That’s them, not you. Engage them in the gig. Give them the chance to join in the misery on their own terms, and either see how generally awful it is, or take it up, love it, and free you to ride at your own level without having to faff with your intercom, fold pillion pegs up and down, explain why you’ve just been arrested for going the wrong way round a Belgian roundabout. It takes two, baby. Way more fun. It’s not really that difficult, is it? TRY: rapidtraining.co.uk
Perfect planning prevents p***-poor attendance
Easy one this, and dirt cheap too. We used to have diaries, now many of us have an Apple-calendar or some such to log upcoming events into. These new-fangled devices are as unreliable as the paper versions. ‘I think I left it in the launderette/pub.’ ‘I must have torn that page out to write the shopping list on/clean my visor.’ And now: ‘The app’s crashed.’ ‘My new phone won’t load it.’ With a vast laminated wall planner these irksome (and sometimes plain untruthful) aberrations are long gone. HERE IT IS IN INDELIBLE BLACK MARKER: British Grand Prix 25 August 2019 (unless there’s some light rain forecast). No excuses, no sob stories, etched in bullet tip black. ‘But it’s auntie Val’s anniversary…’ Unlucky Val. TRY: sasco planners.com
Give us the right tools, and we shall finish the job…
Or at least make a start on it before calling the bike shop to ask if they can drop a new cylinder head round on Sunday because you’ve cross-threaded all four new spark plugs. Quality tools tend to lead to someone doing a quality job, whether a really decent 19mm combination spanner or deep socket for something as seemingly straightforward as an oil change, or a top quality tyre pressure gauge. If you hear someone say: ‘This ratchet’s knackered.’ Or, ‘The kitchen scissors are sharper than these side-cutters.’ You’re there. TRY: kingdicktools.co.uk
When you think you cannot improve… YOU WON’T
Racer, road rider, teenage or toddler tyro – it makes no odds. There’s nothing like a lesson from someone who knows to help keep you, or anyone else, on the ball. One-on-one tuition is expensive, group stuff less so, all of it invaluable. If you love someone, give them all the chances there are to be the best riders they can. Learning the hard way is harder than ever. And can, in the worst case scenario, become a total and tragic irrelevance. TRY: haslamrace school.com
They’re still a bit tight around the thumbs
Modern gear is good. It’s not made-tomeasure though. If you’re an unusual size, or your gift recipient is, get fitted up for something that will fit… like a… glove. Good place to start. Not prohibitively expensive and something that will simply keep paying for itself. Numb fingers just when you’re hitting the best mountain roads of the whole trip? Really? You can sort this for
‘Here be gentle steers and nd nudges towards making life infinitely more palatable…’
someone without breaking the Xmas reindeer-bank. Massive dent/crack/hole yes, but SO worth it. TRY: batesleathers.com
It’s a bit beyond my scope this…
Riding tuition is good. Maintenance courses help you bond with a bike in almost the same way. When you know your machine, know better how it ticks, you’re more aware – a better rider in that you can sense what might be happening before it becomes a drama. Good bike mechanics start out because they have an affinity with machines. This isn’t god-given, it can also be learned to a decent extent. Many local colleges run courses at all sorts of levels. Tuition is invariably top notch – and great value. And fun. Remember that? TRY: check your local colleges.
Is she still going on about that bike?
Whatever your views about the electrification of the motorbike, you cannot deny it makes the possibility of a motorcycle in the smallest, most populated space a welcome reality. When there’s little noise pollution save the excited shouts of nippers on two wheels, it’s almost unforgivable to deny them the chance. A small patch of garden or waste ground and an electric trials bike are the way to go. Club together, get one for the whole bunch. You might regret it – but they’ll never forget it. TRY: many to choose from.
Visit someone far away in 2019
Keep your ear to the ground. Don’t get all MI5 about it, but subtly inquire if there’s somewhere, something or someone that’s crying out for a visit. Then, employing the laminated wall-planner, check for a gap in the proceedings and put a heavy mark on the dates you imagine will be needed to make the trip. Book the crossing (it’s got to be outside this island, at the very least) and alert the poor victim(s). Then saddle-up, do the directions, and arrive. Keep the return open. There’s nothing like a surprise visit. Especially when it’s the visitor who’s the most surprised. TRY: brittanyferries.com
Quietly sponsor a young trier
You may have been there, done that, got the tattoo, but not everyone has. Not everyone’s had the chance either. Retired? Few quid in the bank? Kids all gone? None of them into bikes? Get down to the local MX track, road racing circuit, see what’s going on, buy someone a new tyre, keep it quiet, pay someone’s entries, say nothing, be subtle, be good. TRY: just go to your local MX race track.
And finally, a Bike subscription
No doubt you will want to stay abreast of all things motorcycling in 2019. And surely there is no better place to turn for all that is news, analysis and fun – yes that again – than the Bike magazine… Subscribe at: greatmagazines.co.uk/bike