The Boys in Blue

Aynuk an’ Ayli woz booth on the dole; they ’adn’t werked for years. If anybody mentioned “werk” they shoved their fingers in their ears. They just couldn’t stond to ’ear the werd; it med ’em feel quite sick. If there woz any werk about they disappeared dam’ quick. Wotever they woz offered they med up some excuse: They wor prepared to travel an’ part-time wor no use. Wik-ends woz a no-no, that woz alwiz understood, They day want piece-werk, shifts or nights or the money wor no good.

Evencherly, as yo might guess, the women sorted ’em aht. They said, “If yo doe gerra job then we’m a-walkin aht! We just cor manage wi’ the dole,yo mekkin’ we look saft; When we goo dahn the fewd-bank we’ve got an overdraft! Now it says in this wik’s Bewgle the p’lice want sum recruits. Why doe yo tew nerks apply? At least yo’ll get free bewts.”

“Yo know, they might ’ave summat theer,” says Aynuk ter ’is mate. “A well-paid job fer dewin’ sod-all is summat ter contemplate. Drivin’ rahnd in Beamers; park up fer a smoke; Run a few kids an’ wimmin in – ter call it werk’s a joke! Gerrin the Wolves fer nuthin,’ clairmin’ double time; Book sum lady drivers – jus’ keep away from crime!”

Soo they sent their applications in but day expect no news Yet some’ow, unbelievably, they booth got interviews! The Chief Constable woz the mon in charge, a moost impressive chap – Medals all across ’is chest, “scrambled egg” on the peak o’ ’is cap. Aynuk woz the fust one in an’ got all the kweschuns right – Like “Wot’s yer nairme? Wheer dun yer live? An’ does the sun come aht at night?” But the last ’un woz an ’ard ’un, “Dun yo know ’oo killed Cock Robin?” Aynuk shut ’is eyes an’ thumped ’is yed till ’is forrid woz a-throbbin.’ “Oright, oright”, the C.C. says “Doe get stressed aht mah mon. Goo an’ tek five in the waitin’ rewm an’ Ah’ll ask yer agen lairter on.”

Then in goz Ayli fer ’is tern but ’is kweschuns woz mooer formal, Like, “Wot dun yer think o’ Brexit an’ “Why doe the Queen live in Gornal?” But when ’e asked the last ’un Ayli day know wot ter dew – “Tell me,” says the gaffer,” Wot is tew plus tew?” “Ah’m shewer Ah yewster know it,” says Ayli, ternin’ red. “Ah think Ah’ve read it sumwheer but it wo’ come aht mi yed”. “OK, OK”, the C.C. says,” it ay easy, Ah’ll admit. Tek a sate in the waitin’ rewm an’ Ah’ll ask yer agen in a bit”.

Ayli rushed into the waitin’ rewm an gasped, “Mate, Ah’m in a stew! Tell me now an’ tell me quick – wot the devil’s tew plus tew?” Aynuk looked at ’im in total scorn an’ answered with a sneer, “Doe bother me wi’ that kids’ stuff mate, Ah’m on a bl**dy merder cairse ’ere!”