Diary of an urban Grandad
THIS week, dear reader, I am going to tell you a heartwarming tale of plump muffins, human kindness and good old-fashioned ignorance.
It all started when a mate and I set off to Leigh Woods for a stroll recently. We took Mabel the dog, a pocket full of fruit and stout walking boots. We then walked, talked and soon realised that man cannot live by fruit alone.
Luckily, we didn’t have to. Someone has very thoughtfully set up a caravan of loveliness, a cafe amongst the trees. Just when we thought we could not go on any longer, we were able to grab ourselves a couple of mugs of tea and a pair of cakes big enough to float down the Avon on.
At this point, we all felt that the day could not get any better. But we were wrong. So very wrong. Just after we had climbed back into the car for the return journey to home and hearth, we turned onto that wiggly road that follows the top lip of the Avon gorge before bringing you out at the southern side of the suspension bridge.
Halfway along the road, standing in the gutter, I saw what looked like a pair of slightly nervous school girls. As we drove past, one of them caught my eye and gave me a slightly pleading look. At which point my urban grandad spidey sense went into overdrive.
These two youngsters looked about the same age as my oldest grand daughter. They also looked as if they needed help, but weren’t sure how to ask for it. So I pulled over and asked if they were alright.
Turns out, my urban grandad spidey sense had been spot on. Though it had also let me down somewhat. They did indeed need help, but they weren’t kids. Far from it. Upon closer inspection, I realised I was dealing with two fully grown people whose van had a flat battery and needed someone to help by jumpstarting it for them.
I opened up the bonnet of my car and got ready to be helpful. Which is when I realised something. Something rather shocking. You see, I don’t tend to look under the bonnet of my car very often. In fact, the only time I go under there is to refill the screenwash. So when I tried to find the battery, I suddenly realised the bulky thing wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Which was unexpected. I checked all the usual places but it was noticeable, only by its absence.
After poking around for a while, I found something that sort of resembled a battery. One that had been very well hidden. The important thing was, it had a big electrode on it. With an enormous plus sign on it. I had found the positive electrode. Success! I hurriedly clipped the jump lead to it and then looked around for its opposite number – the negative electrode. Long story short, it didn’t exist. Which was also unexpected.
At this point, I could have given up and explained to the young ladies that somehow I had become the owner of a magic car. One that apparently worked without the need of a real battery. But I did no such thing. Instead, I stood in the gutter and waved my arms at every car that passed car and, emotion alert, here is the heartwarming bit.
Every single car stopped to see what was wrong. Once I had explained what we needed, people were happy to stop and open up their own car bonnets. Which is when I realised something extraordinary. It seems modern cars function with batteries that only have one terminal. Even with my basic grasp of physics, this struck me as unnatural. Trouble is, it means you can’t use them to jump start a normal battery. Or so I thought.
Luckily, a suitably aged vehicle arrived in the fullness of time. One with a good old-fashioned battery. So the young ladies were soon on their way. But all this struggling with physics left me baffled. When I got home, I did the only thing any sane person could do in this situation. I googled it.
Turns out, modern batteries don’t have accessible negative terminals. Don’t know why. Don’t know how. All I do know is if you want to jump start a car using a modern battery, you connect the positive terminal in one car to the positive terminal in the other using a jump cable. As people have done for decades. You then use the other jump lead to connect any metallic lumpy bit of the engine in one car to any metallic lumpy bit in the other. How crazy is that?
And heartwarming, obviously.
❝
All this struggling with physics left me baffled. When I got home, I did the only thing any sane person could do in this situation. I googled it.