My children can’t speak, but they can still tell me how annoyed mummy is

DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS

THE twins’ language skills are developing nicely.

Emma now says ‘poo’ when she’s been to the toilet, which is greeted with overenthusiastic applause by Victoria and I.

This recognition of the act and words attributed to it are a step forward, however, I’m concerned this is sending a mixed message.

Emma is unsure whether we’re congratulating her on the ‘poo’ itself or the use of language. As a result of which, she does seem to be going to the toilet more frequently,

simply for the adulation.

Thomas is also moving in the right direction. He is mimicking farmyard animals when prompted by pictures. To be fair, the impressions are generally terrible, and you wouldn’t pay to see them, but the important thing is he knows what sound a cow makes.

Interestingly, Victoria and I have adapted our own use of language as parents.

For example, Victoria might say: “Are you hungry Emma? Yes, you are. Daddy needs to stop looking at his phone, go to the shop and buy you milk.”

This is a self-explanatory message addressed to me through a third party (Emma) telling me to purchase milk.

Another variation on the theme might be “Daddy’s going to take you to the park now, so mummy can do some ironing”.

Again, this is a previously undiscussed idea for me to do something with the children.

It’s news to me but I’m left with little or no option but to do what the twins now expect of me.

There are variations but they essentially all boil down to ways of telling me to do something.

I too, have adopted a similar style of communication.

“Do you want mummy to change your nappy?” I might say, hoping for an answer in the affirmative, thereby giving me cause to say, “Emma wants you to change her”.

There’s also the spoken anxieties method of communication.

Victoria might say, in a gentle voice, to one of the twins, while I’m sitting in the same Kids seem room: “Mummy’s unaware worried the of their role stairgate still as indirect doesn’t fit messengers properly.”

So, now I know

Victoria is concerned and it’s up to me to ease those concerns, but it’s all too easy for me to say, in a gentle voice again, to Thomas, “If Mummy’s so very worried about the stairgate then she might have to look at it herself because daddy has exhausted the limits of his expertise.” From here, this conversation is only ever going to escalate into something more forthright. The only problem with this form of communication is the future. If the twins pick it up, everyone in the house will be speaking softly and indirectly telling me what to do for the rest of our existence.