Relationships ‘Sexpert’ has all the answers
THERE is no denying – sex is on most people’s minds. We worry about whether we are having enough sex, whether what we fantasise about is normal and how we can make our sex lives better.
At the same time, sex isn’t often an easy topic to discuss and many of us wouldn’t even know who to go to for advice (apart from Google).
That is where Jess Wilde arrives on the scene.
The Bedminster resident has been a professional sex expert – a ‘sexpert,’ as she calls herself – for the past seven years, having worked for a large sex toy retailer first and now going independent.
She is one of the presenters of Channel 4’s The Sex Clinic – the second season of which will air in the next few months – and gives advice in areas such as health, pleasure and communication.
“I am all about breaking taboos,” the 31-year-old said. “That could be sex, tattoos or cannabis.
“I invite people to challenge and change the way they think about something, especially if they are close-minded.
“I just want to shake the block a bit and I get great pleasure out of that.”
Ms Wilde said all sorts of people got in touch with her for advice, and that gender and sexuality were topics people frequently asked about.
“A lot of people want to know whether what they are doing is OK, whether it is normal,” she continued. “That seems to be a big worry for people, and I say that, as long as everybody involved is consenting, it is OK.
“All they want is for someone to say it is OK and it then takes the weight off their shoulders.
“I always refer to food and sex as very similar things – it is just taste and it changes and evolves.
“It is the classic thing of being scared of the things that are not fully understood.”
She said she was frequently asked about sex toys and unusual lingerie, such as latex, with people asking how to use and store things safely.
Ms Wilde said that in the past year more and more questions were related to how to make your sex life eco- and vegan-friendly.
For example, 90 per cent of condoms were not vegan-friendly, she added.
She also said there was a difference between questions asked by men and women.
While men tend to ask how they can be the best in bed, women tend to ask questions about their bodies and how they work. For instance, asking for tips and techniques on how to reach an orgasm.
On the other hand, she thinks she should be asked more about how to blend safe, consenting sex with fun sex that pushes the boundaries, adding that people can be focused on one or the other.
People got into a routine with their sex lives, Ms Wilde added, and often asked how they could spice things up.
Small changes, like having sex at a different time of the day, in a different room or with the lights on, could be a good start.
“It is about saying to people you do not have to have crazy, kinky sex all the time,” she continued. “Communication is the main thing – it is the foundation for intimacy.
“With one couple I saw that was not having sex I gave them a challenge.
“The more sex you have, the more sex you want, so I said to them to have a routine.”
So the sexpert gave them a schedule: ‘Massage Monday’ (sensual massage with or without sex), ‘Take Turns Tuesday’ (swap who has control or who leads/receives pleasure first), ‘Midweek Mash-Up’ (try something new), ‘Thong-on Thursday’ (have fun through clothing), Fetish Friday (try something a little kinky), Sensory Saturday (everything but penetration) and Sunday Funday (do something intimate together other than sex).
Ms Wilde continued: “Sex is a really great way to create a bond – it is a really intimate thing.
“It is also good for you and for your mental health – it is exercise and you can learn a lot about yourself.
“I think people are always looking to get a high out of their lives.
“For me, sex is like having an outof-body experience if you are doing it right.”
Ms Wilde said she also got asked about drinking and sex, adding that one of the set rules of BDSM was not to mix it with substances.
“If you are trying something new, that already pushes boundaries, you need to be clear-headed as you could injure yourself,” she added.
When working for the sex toy retailer, Ms Wilde wrote content for the company as well as presenting its YouTube channel. During that time, she became a sexpert specialising in bondage.
Her knowledge comes from a combination of life experience, a lot of reading, talking to people and attending courses.
Ms Wilde added: “I have been interested in sex from a young age.
“Tracey Cox is a well-known sexpert and she is amazing.
“The first time I picked up one of her books I was a teenager and I just wanted to know more and more about the relationships with people.
“I ended up becoming quite knowledgeable about sex accidentally.”
The sexpert believes augmented reality pornography is going to be hugely popular because it is completely safe and allows people to do anything.
Her hope is that sex education is going to be more accessible to young people in the future, with it being focused on pleasure as well as health.
“People should talk more about sex between the elderly,” she said. “STIs are rife in nursing homes as they do not use condoms because they can’t get pregnant.
“We should talk about how we can have a happy sex life in old age – sex isn’t limited to people between the age of 20 and 40.”
» You can ask Jess a question anonymously at https://ask.fm/Jess_Wilde. She can also be found on social media, including Twitter and Instagram, as well as YouTube.
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Sex is a really great way to create a bond – it is a really intimate thing. It is also good for you and for your mental health – it is exercise and you can learn a lot about yourself
Jess Wilde