Roman told me:‘When I wake up, I feel like something dreadful has happened’... that broke my heart
Roman Kemp tackles the tough issues of suicide and his own struggles with depression in his new book. In this extract, his mum Shirlie recalls trying to support him through a dark period
IN his new book, Are You Really OK?, Capital DJ Roman Kemp, son of pop stars Martin and Shirlie Kemp, unflinchingly tackles the taboo of suicide, in the hope that by talking about his own struggles and sharing advice, he can help others.
In an excerpt from the book, which is part self-help, part biography, Shirlie writes a moving tribute to her 29-year-old son’s struggles with his own mental health…
NOTICING CHANGES
With Roman I could see how his behaviour had changed and how moody he’d become. Because he’d so clearly gone from being one of the funniest kids, with a fantastic sense of humour, and someone who would constantly be trying to make everyone laugh with his impressions and songs and dances to someone very quiet and withdrawn.
It was like he didn’t want to give anything of himself to other people, he’d become disconnected and disassociated from the rest of the family.
For my 50th birthday we went to Dubai and Ro was very withdrawn. We kept saying, ‘Come to breakfast, come and join us all,’ but the mornings were the worst time for him.
It was only later, after he’d been to see the doctor, and I really asked what they had talked about, when Roman described how bad he felt.
‘When I wake up in the morning,’ he admitted. ‘I feel like something really dreadful has happened.’
He’d never told me that before, but it broke my heart because I recognised that exact feeling myself, from when my own hormones were out of whack at times in my life. It feels like you have got physical knots inside you, like something is pushing you down, but you don’t know why.
A FAMILIAR STORY
I felt so sad for Roman.
I recognised the pattern in my dad, I’d grown up with his depression and his grumpiness all my childhood. My dad would never say if he felt low, he would never say he had depression. He just got moody and grumpy and aggressive with his family.
I’ve always been overly empathetic, so I really quickly pick up on people’s energy and I’m very sensitive to it. What I was really concerned about is that people with depression can turn to alcohol to try and make them feel better. It was really common growing up where I lived in Bushey, where a lot of the dads would come home drunk and start attacking their wives.
So the main thing I felt when Roman was given antidepressants was relief – that it might stop him from turning to self-medication in that way down the line. I knew I didn’t want my kids smoking dope or boozing heavily. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.
With Roman I think it really helped that I could explain he was feeling depressed because it was his chemical imbalance and his hormones.
The more you can talk to someone and explain why they may be feeling like they do and that they don’t necessarily have control over it, it can help them understand that feeling horrible isn’t their fault.
Within just a week of Roman taking antidepressants, I could see the change. It wasn’t that he overnight became the happiest person ever, but it was more like having my boy back again.
His fun-loving personality returned, he was once again making us laugh and enjoying himself and loved time being with his family again. It made me realise just how low he must have been before.
COPING MECHANISMS
I don’t claim to be an expert on depression or dealing with loved ones suffering from it. But from my own experiences I developed tips that worked for Roman and me.
Using any opportunity I could to really check in with how he was feeling. Often the car was the best place, with me driving and focused on the road he would start blurting out the things that were on his mind. This trick also worked on long dog walks – as well as getting some exercise, which is a long-proven mood-booster.
Never try to raise an important discussion over dinner. Food should be something you’re enjoying and nourishing yourself.
Try to encourage gratitude every day. It’s easy to learn this one from pets. When you leave a dog and it
It was like he didn’t want to give anything of himself to other people, he’d become disassociated from the rest of the family.
hasn’t seen you for 10 minutes, it’s so excited because time is irrelevant to them and they’re just happy to see you.
Instead of waking up and thinking, ‘What have I got to do today?’ or how you can push yourself to achieve (which I’m guilty of and I know Roman can be too), try to wake up and think about the things you really appreciate – whether it’s your family, your home, friends you love or the football you’ve just played. Otherwise you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone.
I learned this the hard way myself after losing people I loved.
Find different ways of forming intimacy. I love going over to Roman’s flat and helping him tidy up. I find that being able to do mundane chores together, like folding laundry gives us an opportunity to chat about silly little things which can help me gauge how he really is doing.
If your child or a loved one has any kind of mental health diagnosis, read as much as you can and speak to as many different people as you can. Really do your research. People ask me if I am very proud of Roman, or surprised by his success. In truth, I always had high expectations of him. He’s always had a different perspective on life.