Loss of a baby

Buckinghamshire Advertiser - - FAMILY MATTERS - We’re of­ten ill-equipped to help oth­ers in their time of grief

“Once we see the pos­i­tive test we im­me­di­ately imag­ine our fu­ture blos­som­ing be­fore us. When our baby dies, at what­ever ges­ta­tion or age, that fu­ture is snatched from us so very cru­elly and we in­stead face a deep empti­ness. We grieve the loss of not only our child, but the life to­gether we’ve been de­nied.

“We lose first smiles, first steps and first day at school. It’s a huge grief to carry, and yes, you’re al­lowed to carry that grief for­ever. It will not al­ways be in­tense and suf­fo­cat­ing, but our ba­bies are never for­got­ten.

“Don’t put time­lines and ex­pec­ta­tions on your­self, in­stead un­der­stand that grief is part of your life. There will be end­less love and pride and there will also be jeal­ousy and anger – that is grief. Griev­ing isn’t neg­a­tive, it’s nec­es­sary.” how you want to in­clude your baby in your life, and I know I of­ten won­dered if other peo­ple were view­ing some of my de­ci­sions as weird. But there’s a lot to be said for let­ting go of that fear of judge­ment and just do­ing what­ever com­forts you and k keeps you con­nected. “If you want to keep your baby p pri­vate, then do that. If you want t to put their pho­to­graph on your w wall, then do that. If you want to buy them a Christ­mas present, th then do that. Your baby, your m mem­o­ries, your choices.” “WE’RE “W not great at deal­ing with grief gr in the western world. We tend to avoid any­thing death re­lated and an as a re­sult we’re of­ten ill-equipped illto help oth­ers in their time of grief,” ob­serves Ni­cola. “When my son died, I re­alised my loved ones were look­ing for me to take the lead. Per­haps it shouldn’t be that way, but peo­ple are so afraid of say­ing the wrong thing or up­set­ting us un­nec­es­sar­ily that si­lence ends up the eas­ier op­tion.

“It’s OK to say, ‘I want to re­mem­ber my baby. I want to talk about them.’ If there’s a colour, sym­bol or an­i­mal that’s linked to your baby, then shar­ing that with friends and fam­ily al­lows them to be in­cluded in your re­mem­brance.”

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