‘It’s not going to end well, or end the way I want it to end’
IN DYING MATTERS AWARENESS WEEK, A CANCER SUFFERER LIFTS LID ON PREPARING FOR DEATH
CANCER sufferer Tracey Morrell is sharing her story to encourage people to have open and honest conversations about death, dying and bereavement.
The 52-year-old, from Weston-ontrent, was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer in 2020 and has been receiving wellbeing and emotional support from the end-of-life charity Treetops Hospice.
Now, during Dying Matters Awareness Week, she explains how people often react when she talks about her diagnosis.
Tracey said: “There’s a lot of denial. People often say to me ‘you look really well’ or ‘you’re going to be alright – you’ll fight this.’
“But I’ve been given a terminal diagnosis so it’s not going to end well, or end the way I want it to end.
“Some people tell me I’m brave, which frustrates me. I’m not brave at all.
“I’m dealing with what life’s throwing at me and I’d rather not be dealing with it. Sometimes I just want to pretend it’s not happening.
“But I’ve got the benefit of being able to deal with this. They could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow and they’re not going to be prepared for that.
“I’m prepared for what’s going to happen to me. Not necessarily how it’s going to happen.
“I’m not owning their reactions. It’s down to them. However they want to feel, they’ll feel.
“I get that people will be upset, and I’ve had a few people cry on me, but coming to Treetops has helped me deal with this.”
This year, Dying Matters Awareness Week is encouraging people to consider what it means to be “in a good place to die” – physically, emotionally, practically, spiritually and even digitally.
Tracey has started to make plans for the end of her life – including making a
will, organising finances and planning her funeral.
“One of my biggest fears is leaving people behind, like my husband, and how they’re going to cope without me,” she said. “I’ve tried to do as much as I can to make it easier for everyone when I’ve gone.
“There are things that I want including in my funeral, and I’ve picked the celebrant and some music. It’s so important to tell the people around you what you want because it makes it easier for them.
“Rather than them having to make all the decisions and worrying about whether it’s what you want or not, just tell them.
“It’s really important to me and it’s also helped me to get my head around the fact that this is going to happen.
“I’m a list-maker, so if I’m ticking things off my list my head gets clearer and helps me focus.
“Now I’ve dealt with all of those things all I’ve got to concentrate on now is enjoying myself and my quality of life.”
Tracey has a large following on Twitter, where she has been regularly sharing her experiences of her cancer and treatment. She has made plans to continue updating followers as her health deteriorates.
She said: “My social media accounts are so important to me, but I know there’s going to be a time when I’m not going to be able to update them. “So, I’ve asked my two best friends to take over my accounts for me to keep everybody updated with where I am and how I’m feeling. “I’d like the people that follow me to know that I am in decline. People need to see that side of things as well. It’s not all flowers and sunshine.” Tracey has helped Treetops Hospice create a series of short videos about her experiences, which can be found on the Treetops Youtube channel.
Treetops has a wealth of free resources to help people discuss subjects which are often seen as taboo, such as end-of-life care, funeral wishes and making a will.
More information about starting conversations about death, dying and bereavement can be found on the Treetops Hospice website.
Some people tell me I’m brave, which frustrates me. I’m not brave at all.
Tracey Morrell