Dealing with difficult dates
Coping with
“firsts” after the loss of a loved one
– eg birthdays or anniversaries
– can be hard. But
Sue Gill, volunteer with Cruse
Bereavement
Support, says there are positive ways to prepare for occasions like these.
Why are these events often so upsetting?
Even if it’s months later, you’re still coming to terms with your loss. Those key calendar dates are a reminder that that person is no longer here to share them. But rather than ignore it, it’s better to acknowledge that it will be sad, and celebrate it.
Should I feel guilty if I’m not upset?
No, it’s not sad for everyone and that’s OK. You may have come to terms with the death and so don’t have feelings of sadness on the day. You may also have felt sad in the run-up and got rid of all your tears by the time the anniversay comes, meaning you can celebrate that person instead.
How can I mark the occasion?
Maybe accept the morning might be sad, but do something nice as well: go for a walk to their favourite place, plant a tree in their memory, or start a memory box. But if you don’t feel up to doing something special, that’s fine too.
Does it get easier after the “firsts”?
For many, yes. Frustratingly, the key thing that helps is time and eventually, rather than feeling an overwhelming sadness, you’ll think about that person with much more of a smile on your face.
Has demand for support from Cruse, which partners Co-op Funeralcare, increased?
Definitely. More people have been seeking support since the start of the pandemic because death was spoken about so openly, and at the same time people dying from other causes were almost forgotten. But now more people are aware of talking therapies and are not afraid to ask for help.