PARENTS’ HEARTBREAK OVER DAUGHTER’S SUICIDE
THE family of a 21-year-old found dead in woodland have spoken of the difficulty of coming to terms with her dying “out of choice”.
Helen and Dafydd Roberts from Rhyd-Ddu near Caernarfon, lost their youngest daughter, TaylorJayne Roberts, after she took her own life in October of last year.
The family decided to speak out about their heartbreaking experience on last week’s World Mental Health Day, which this year worked to raise awareness of the scale of suicide around the world.
The rate of deaths among young people between the ages of 10 to 24 has reached a 19-year high, and the rate for young females has in particular reached an all-time high.
Taylor’s mum told how her daughter was “hilarious and spontaneous”. She was passionate about the outdoors and was able to make friends wherever she went.
But she had also experienced mental health issues throughout her life and shortly before her death a doctor said he believed she had schizophrenia.
Mrs Roberts said: “Taylor always believed that life was about trying everything.
“Once, she climbed up Snowdon at 2am even though I told her not to. She was going, and that was that.”
From working as a tree surgeon to a care worker, Taylor then went on to study Outdoor Education at Coleg Menai, and later at The University of Central Lancashire in Preston.
Her father, Dafydd, who described her as a warm individual with a “wicked sense of humour” said: “She always knew how to wind you up.
“She had these one-liners that only she would say, and you wouldn’t hear from anyone else.”
But Taylor, who was found in woodland close to her home on October 25, 2018, had suffered with mental health issues throughout her life.
Her mother said: “She was a complicated individual. Even at birth, I had complications with her.
“There was something different about her from the very beginning.
“We always thought that she had voices in her head, and we use to call them ‘the visitors’.
“Dafydd and I knew she wouldn’t make-oldbones, but we kept that to ourselves. What we didn’t know was that she would die out of choice.”
Taylor’s battle lasted years and back in November of 2016, her parents received a call while she was studying in Preston saying she was in a vulnerable state and was in hospital.
She said: “When we got there, it was obvious that she was very ill. It became evident that she had been smoking cannabis on that particular night, and she believed that otherworldly forces were out to get her.”
Taylor was discharged from Royal Blackburn Hospital’s mental health unit, and returned home to Rhyd-Ddu.
She then suffered with delusional tendencies, and believed various methods of technology, such as the TV and her phone, were able to communicate with her personally.
Helen explained: “Even medication couldn’t control ‘the visitors’ she saw, and I would have endless nights trying to calm her down.
“It got so bad that I started playing a game with her called ‘Real or No Real,’ in which I would ask her what was real and what was not: if she could see me and touch me, and if she could touch them.
“She hated the fact she couldn’t feel anything. She said she felt numb.”
Throughout 2017, Taylor’s mental health was “up and down”, and she would be in and out of mental health services regularly.
When she returned from travelling in 2018, her mental health had deteriorated once again.
“From what Taylor wrote in her diary, she was really ill. She wouldn’t eat, sleep or shower,” Helen explained.
“She thought that she could time-travel and kept re-thinking about traumatic incidents that had happened to her in the past.
“She was in such a state, that she had no real insight into how ill she actually was.
“It had come to the point where her virtual world had become her reality, and you couldn’t tell her that it wasn’t real.
“I tried my best to protect her, and was on the phone with the mental health services every day.”
Taylor was then sectioned at the mental health unit in Ysbyty Gwynedd in Bangor, but was later discharged from the hospital two days before her sister’s wedding.
Helen said: “Even at (sister) Bethan’s wedding, her eyes were black, and the day after the wedding, she just crashed.”
On the day Taylor died Helen had been in contact with her daughter until 2pm.
She said: “Communication had stopped by 2pm, and the tracker on her phone was static.
“By then, I knew that something was wrong, I just had that gut feeling.
“I remember driving back home and realising that all that worry and instinct that I had before had gone.
“And then, when I reached home, everything turned slow-motion because I just knew what had happened.”
Dafydd had returned home from work that day and realised that his daughter had left her cigarette packet on the kitchen table, but she was nowhere to be found in the house.
Only a few yards from the family home, Dafydd found his daughter had hung herself.
Helen said: “Dafydd had said she had gone, but I kept saying she hadn’t.
“So went back outside to be with her, while I waited for the ambulance to arrive.
“I was just praying that she had left a note and she did. She had left me the most beautiful note.
“I had realised, earlier that week, that she had attempted suicide but had failed.
“Afterwards, she came and told me: ‘I have this darkness in my heart that I can’t get rid of.’
“She had spent all of October looking into ways of killing herself.”
Nearly a year on, Helen’s perspective on life has changed completely.
“A piece of me has died with her,” Helen said. “That longing to be with your child will never go away.
“For months after her death, I was in a very dark place. I thought that if Dafydd could stay here and look after the children, then I could go just like her. I could understand her decision.
“When it comes to suicide, people are not doing it for anyone else, they’re doing it for themselves. It’s a selfish act, but not a malicious one.
“And for the family, you have to deal with the fact that they died through choice. When you are dealing with that choice, you are also dealing with the fact they didn’t want to be here and you weren’t good enough.
“The only person that I can blame for that is Taylor. But, I don’t blame her. I’m not even angry with her, I love her too much for that.
“I have realised that life is too short, but there are things to live for. It’s a process that I’ve been through that taught me that.”
Since Taylor’s death, the Roberts family have openly spoken about Taylor, her mental health problems and her tragic death.
“We are a close family,” Helen revealed. “We laugh together, we cry together, and we argue together.
“And since Taylor’s death, I made myself a promise that I would never stop talking about her and what we have been through as a family.”
Helen is now urging that more support is needed, not only for those suffering with mental health issues, but for grieving family and friends following a loved one’s suicide.
“I think that more exploration work on how to deal with mental health problems should be done in North Wales.
“Health boards need to dig deeper and allow that patient to tell their story.
“And although there is support for mental health patients, I feel there should be more support for the family and loved ones that have to deal with the consequences of suicide.”
As a result, Helen has recently started a social media message group which aims to support parents in North Wales that have also gone through the same situation.
Helen added: “For parents who might be dealing with the same issues as we did, I say look for the signs:
“Taylor went silent, she was not her usual self. She stopped eating, taking a shower, and stayed in bed.
“She stopped caring about the things she loved, like taking her dog for walks, or putting make-up on.
“She talked about experiencing darkness and feeling numb.”