‘I dealt with depression by moving into work van’
‘WHEN I WAS ILL I WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO GO TO THE SHOPS FOR FOOD’
A MAN from North Wales has shared what it’s like to live life on the road and not choose where he goes next until he starts the engine.
A S4C documentary, Drych: Y Dyn yn y Van, follows the day-to-day life of carpenter and handyman, Paul O’Neill, who lives and works from his old converted panel van amidst the beauty of Eifionydd and Pen Llŷn.
Three years ago, Paul decided to move out of his house and turn his work van into his home – a decision which marked a turning point after a dark and turbulent time in his life.
By now, every corner of Paul’s van is catered to his needs, only taking the things that are necessary with him as he travels in between towns and villages, the mountains and the sea.
Despite his seemingly carefree lifestyle, Paul talks candidly about his mental health problems, which he deals with on a daily basis.
“They say that depression is like a cycle,” he said.
“And the lower I go, after a while, I just sit in the van and do nothing.
“I haven’t even got enough confidence to go to a shop down the road just to get a pint of milk.
“I might sit there for two days without food or milk because I’m too anxious and down to walk into a shop.
“That’s depression. And it can come out of nowhere.”
Paul also discusses how he dealt with alcohol addiction.
He said: “I was drinking for 20 years and people were none the wiser.
“People thought I used to just binge drink, but I was drinking every night. That’s how good I was at hiding it.
“No one knew I was crying for help for 20 years.
“We learn how to hide the thing we are ashamed of. How are you supposed to help that? I used alcohol to hide what was happening in my head. My way didn’t work so alcohol had to go. I decided myself that I needed to stop.”
By now, Paul leads a life with a few rules, although he admits that they change from day-to-day.
Some of the rules include not planning for the day, not to worry, no alcohol, not to depend on other people and to always smile.
He said: “I do realise that people worry about the small stuff, and I was like that.
“I used to do exactly that. I would worry about everything. How I’d plan things, organise things, set everything up.
“We all have those conversations in our heads: this is what’s going to happen when I’m going to do this.
“And it becomes the complete opposite of what you thought it was going to be three days prior to that. It’s a waste of time.
“I only deal with things when they are in front of me.”
When asked if he was into meditation, he answered: “I don’t really have to meditate because of the places I go to, they are like a form of meditation. No one else can mend you. You have to do that yourself.”
“I’m learning a lot from this,” he added.
“I’m learning how spoilt I was in regards to freedom. I have the freedom to start an engine and just drive off.”
■ Drych: Y Dyn yn y Van was first shown on S4C on Sunday, February 19 at 9pm. English subtitles are available. Watch on demand on S4C Clic, BBC iPlayer and other platforms.