In My Humble Opinion
Mike looks at car scams.
When there is nothing on the telly, I love nothing more than to trawl through the online car adverts with a big mug of hot, sweet tea. My other half calls this my internet porn.
My favourite part of the adverts are the acronyms: ABS, EBD, ESC, B&Q, BBC, ERF… The list is endless. The one that always catches the eye is our old friend: FSH, which stands for full service history. Three magic letters that promise you a tip-top car of tomorrow’s quality at yesterday’s price today. It’s a sad fact that FSH can often mean FA.
I recall my mate Ron’s tale of woe regarding a used Volvo V70 estate that was emptying his bank account as quickly as a spurned spouse. Within his first few months of ownership, Ron forked out for a new centre silencer, rear brakes, a front wheel bearing, wiper blades, and, most recently, an aircon compressor that started moaning like – his words not mine – “a bored eightyear-old.” Clearly, he’d bought a tired and worn-out Swedish suitcase.
You see, the problem with Ronnie is his laziness when it comes to his car purchasing. He’s the sort of chap who, unless the ideal car is located within a 20-yard radius of his armchair, simply doesn’t want to know. After further probing, he told me the car had been sourced from “some mush who sells cars from his front garden.” All the boxes were ticked for some serious motoring misery. With me feeling like an agony aunt, he solemnly told me how the service book was stamped upto-date and how pristine the car looked when he parted with the folding stuff.
Of course, one of the easiest parts of selling a car is valeting it. Then again, so is stamping the service book.
Stamp of disapproval
One of my less reliable contacts sells trade-in bangers from his driveway in a busy village just outside Bedford. Most of his stuff borders on being mobile death-traps, but every now and then he has something half-decent. A few years back, I witnessed Mr and Mrs Gullible looking round a used Citroën ZX he had for sale. When the husband asked about there being no evident service history, the dodgy dealer proudly replied: “Not a problem. I can sort one out for you for an extra £50.”
In a filing cabinet he had a box of rubber stamps and, wherever a service book was missing one or seven entries, he would simply thump the book with a carefully selected seal of approval. He even had a choice of black, blue or red ink pads. Amusingly, the Gullibles were suitably reassured by all this.
With the best will in the world, a full service history is worthless without a bundle of bills in an old A4-sized brown envelope to serve as proof. Cunning vendors will stop at nothing to hoodwink hapless motorists into thinking used motors are flawless. So even if the bills are on show, read them carefully. For example, any motor factor can print off what’s called a quotation bill. All you do is ask for prices for all the parts you need and the list spews out of the printer. It looks no different to an itemised parts sale invoice except for the word ‘estimate’ printed somewhere on the sheet. Quickly flash this past a customer’s mince pies and they’ll believe the cambelt was changed only last week. Tatty invoices with old debit card receipts stapled to the edge are what you’re looking for.
Hand on heart I can say that 95% of my transactions from service, sales or parts – I’ve worked in all those departments – have been conducted fairly and with integrity. I like to sleep soundly in my bed with a clear conscience. A customer once even paid my restaurant bill when he saw me dining with a lady friend. Compare that to an incident when I was sitting in a Daventry tandoori house with two chums also in the trade. A couple were walking out when Mr Hulk-of-a-husband clocked one of my tablemates called Matt. A row ensued over a used van he’d been sold that turned out to be something of a pup by all accounts and punches flew.
“A fool and their money are easily parted” is the time-honoured mantra and, to a degree, it’s true. The problem is that everyone expects and wants a bargain. This may seem fair enough on face value, but my 30+ years of experience have taught me one thing: there is no such thing as a cheap car. Unless you knew the risks at the time of purchase, you will eventually end up paying dearly. These days, dodgy deals and automotive highway robbery are shifting from bombsite pitches and laybys to the internet, which makes selling a rogue car even easier than before.
Having said that, the worldwide web has also given buyers more ways of checking if a car is a good ’un than ever before. You can sift through MOT histories, road tax, outstanding finance – it’s all there online.
The crooks are still around, but so is all the information to lower the risk of your purchase. So you only have yourself to blame if you get caught out.
‘It’s a sad fact that FSH can often mean FA’