Ride by Jekyll, engine by Hyde
Iwonder if this is what astronauts feel like on take-off. I’ve just experimentally pushed the B5’s throttle pedal in the direction of the carpet and it feels like the car’s suddenly been upended. My back is pressed into the plush leather seat and the world ahead goes all blurry. Goodness me, this is quick.
Subjectively, the Alpina feels even faster than the other two cars here, perhaps because of the complete contrast in the before and the after. Just a moment ago we were loping along in serene, refined comfort; now it feels like we’re midway through a land-speed-record attempt. Back off and you’ve returned to a relaxed cruise. The contrast is extraordinary.
But then, the B5 is an extraordinary car. The tiny Bavarian company’s reimagining of the BMW 5-series has performance comparable to BMW’s own M5, but they’re very different cars in character. On these undulating roads it’s clear the B5 has been tuned for comfort over agility. Although it rides low on shorter, stiffer springs than the regular 5-series, ride quality is uncannily smooth. Lumps, divots and potholes disappear beneath the chassis without a ripple. Alpina has developed its own settings for the B5’s electronic adaptive dampers, and even in their firmest Sport+ setting they’re far from jarring. (It’s entirely in keeping with the spirit of the B5 that Alpina has developed an extra-squishy Comfort+ setting within the drive modes.) As a result, the B5 doesn’t have an M5’s instant responses and keenness to change direction, but it’s certainly not clumsy. It seems almost impossible to shake the B5’s composure. Even going light over the Peak District’s countless off-camber crests, it never loses its poise. Active anti-roll control helps keep its weighty body in check, and unlike the M5 the B5 also features rear-wheel steering to increase high-speed stability and low-speed nimbleness. So thorough is Alpina’s overhaul it has even changed the lower front wishbones for its own design, to allow a little extra negative camber. The reserves of grip are so enormous that you rarely trouble its limits in normal driving.
Alpina reckons on zero to 125mph in 11.4 seconds, and if you can find enough space it’ll keep going all the way to 206mph. Both of those statistics feel entirely believable, and somehow absurd in an executive
saloon car with massage seats and a heated steering wheel.
All that grip comes from bespoke Pirelli P-Zeroes, complete with Alpina-specific ALP markings on their side walls (another indicator of the engineering substance at play here) and wrapped around a set of 20-inch wheels in Alpina’s classic multi-spoked design. Together with the deep air dam at the front, they lend the B5 something of an ’80s vibe, as do the pinstripe decals along its flanks. (They’re fitted as standard, but can be removed at no cost.)
Inside, it’s the least adventurous in style of the three cars, based as it is on a conventional saloon, but it’s also the most relaxing and, arguably, the classiest. Alpina’s own skin for the digital instrument cluster tints the dials in its trademark shade of blue – nice touch – and their design changes according to drive mode. The driving position is superior to the AMG’s, and the seats are quite epically comfortable, finished in a soft, expensive-feeling grade of leather, with headrests like king-sized pillows. Alpina swaps the steering wheel for a thinner-rimmed item than the obese wheel in the M5, although it’s still the chunkiest tiller in the test.
Power delivery from the B5’s 4.4-litre twin-turbo V8 is as smooth as the suspension. Among the many upgrades, Alpina’s fitted its own choice of twin-scroll turbos, lavished plenty of attention on the cooling system and uprated the pistons and plugs. The result is 600bhp and 590lb ft (the standard M5 is 591bhp and 553lb ft), and thus the B5 is all-wheel drive by necessity. It’s a variable torque split, however, and for the vast majority of the time it’s very much rear-biased. It’s reassuring to know the traction’s there when you need it but, like the M5, it doesn’t spoil the car’s character (although unlike the M5, you can’t switch it to rear-drive mode).
It’s hard to imagine a better autobahn car: enormously comfortable, top-fuel-dragster fast, and entirely unru¡ed at a cruise. Apart, in this car, from a curious whistling noise at certain revs, like there’s a gap in its front teeth. Reassuringly, however, since Alpina’s relationship with BMW is so established, it is eligible for the same three-year extendable warranty as any regular BMW model. Likewise, the B5 can be serviced at any authorised dealer, workshop quirks limited to items such as air and oil filters and Alpina-specific brake pads.
An M5 might be quicker on a circuit, and the AMG is a rawer, more thrilling driving experience, but the B5’s grown-up feel, long-distance comfort and rarity value lend it an esoteric appeal all of its own. ⊲
It’s hard to imagine a better autobahn car: enormously comfortable, dragster fast