What’s your emergency, dad? Well, the kids Have dialled 999 for one...
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS
BREAKFAST service was well under way. I was toasting crumpets, microwaving porridge with a blueberry jus and prepping ice-cold milk.
The twins were happily fighting in the hallway, over an oldfashioned telephone on a string which mimicked a small puppy.
Logic says nobody would ever make a toy telephone dog.
You wouldn’t see a toaster masquerading as a cat on the shop shelves, but they loved it. It had been silent for a minute or two, and that can only ever be a bad thing when small
children are involved.
Unless they’re asleep.
I peeked into the hall and discovered they had in fact been fighting over the non dog-themed real telephone.
Thomas was holding the receiver and appeared to be deep in conversation, while Emma stood close by and listened in.
‘Who’s he talking to?’ I asked Emma casually.
‘The lady’s asking him stuff,’ she replied in a straightforward manner.
It seems like the phone rang, Thomas picked it up and is now arranging for a PPI refund or switching utility company.
He was diligently answering questions with a mumbled ‘no’ or ‘yes’, and while he seemed to be coping, I felt it was time to intervene. He handed me the receiver and I began: ‘I’m sorry about that, twins... nightmare, what were you phoning about?’
An unfamiliar voice replied: ‘They phoned me, is everything alright?’
By this point, Thomas and Emma were once more fighting over the dog phone, making it difficult to hear the woman on the other end of the phone.
It was apparent though that the general gist was one of concern.
I reassured her ‘everything was fine, but we could always do with more money’, then the stranger suggested I move the phone out of reach. I felt, that this mystery woman was offering me interior design advice rather than just putting the phone down.
Before I asked whether she had time to mount the telephone on the wall for me, I heard the words ‘police’ and ‘can’t miss a call’, and realised the twins had phoned 999.
Cue my escalating into a huge apology on the off-chance she was considering charging them with wasting police time. Although, I think Emma would do fine in prison after she made some little pals, Thomas would struggle without Peppa Pig and mummy. Worryingly, I also realised despite their misdemeanour, I felt a sense of misplaced pride to learn that they could operate a phone, officially qualifying me as a parent with children ‘who can do no wrong in my eyes’.