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MORNING, I trust you slept well, what would you like for breakfast?’, I enquired, as Thomas and Emma took their seats at the table.
‘Toast, peanut butter, jam,’ Emma curtly replied, while Thomas stated, ‘toast, honey, no butter’.
I rushed off to prepare the order, only to hear Thomas hollering ‘milk’ from his seat, followed by Emma barking ‘Shreddies’.
While the toaster did its magic, I busied myself emptying the dishwasher and pondered exactly how I’d unwittingly signed up to a life in service.
Meal served, I awaited my next task, like an eager
waiter hoping for a tip.
Emma was happy to fill the lull and demanded a green bowl, in preference to the blue one I’d used to contain the Shreddies.
Breakfast service finished and it was time to brush their teeth, which they agreed to, on the provision I did the brushing. Presumably because they viewed it as beneath them.
I was starting to feel I’d found myself as a footman working at Downton Abbey, devoting my waking energy to scuttling around after his Lord and Lady.
Only I wasn’t even getting paid for this and I’m not sure my employers fully appreciated the top-class service.
Next up was potty-time. Thomas completed his business, stood up and simply bent over for me to wipe his bottom, without uttering a word.
‘I’m not sure even the staff at the Palace have to put up with this’, I thought, as I reached for some wipes.
For lunch, Victoria had prepared a cheese salad involving avocado, which Emma was eating with her fingers. I attempted to politely persuade her to use a fork.
She looked at her green avocado-ey hands in disgust, lent towards me and wiped them on my trousers, despite the perfectly good paper towel right next to her.
Once Victoria and I had finished the traditional post-lunch duties, Prince Regent and Her Royal Pushiness decided to a visit to the local park was in order.
Emma selected suitable clothes for her perambulation and handed them to her lady-in-waiting (me) who dressed her.
I looked at the clock. It was only 2pm. We didn’t even get a lunch break in this job, and there were a good six hours to go before clockingoff time, but this is what we signed up for.
We’re here to care and cater for them, show them the right path, so one day, we can operate as one big family unit and help each other out.
The only flaw in that plan is I remember being capable of helping, as a teenage boy, yet doing very little of it.
I fear it’s going to be a while before I can retire from my life as a servant.