The height of absurdity
IT’S said that multi-millionaire Aristotle Onassis wasn’t a contented man, despite all his wealth and the bonus of being married to the beautiful Jackie O, the lady who’d once been Jackie K. It could be hearsay (see how careful I’m being here?) but it’s alleged that when Aristotle reached adulthood and realised that at 5ft 5in he’d never grow to be a towering six-footer, he was very unhappy.
To be honest, 5ft 5in doesn’t seem particularly short to me, but old A.O. was so self-conscious about it, when he began earning big money, he hired a personal shoemaker who created hundreds of beautifully crafted formal shoes, sandals, deck shoes and trainers for him, all of which featured a secret. Height-enhancers!
Each individual item of footwear added as much as three and a half inches to Ari’s 5ft 5in, allowing him to walk tall among his business colleagues and the rich and the famous with whom he and Mrs O used to hobnob. Other biscuits are available – but they’re not so effective as dunkers.
Inevitably, Ari’s secret leaked out and whenever his business rivals saw him approaching, they’d apparently whisper … “Beware of Greeks wearing lifts”.
I was reminded of this story when I read an article last week about men who were so miserable about being short, they willingly underwent painful surgery to have their legs extended. This is absolutely true!
So, if you’re eating right now, I’d advise you to stop for a moment.
The surgery involves the patient having both legs broken – I told you to put down that sausage sandwich! – so that metal rods can be fitted inside each leg, while on the outside, more rods are fitted which have screws attached that are turned to stretch the legs as they heal over the months of recuperation.
That’s a very basic description of the procedure, which can cost up to $100,000 in America.
While it’d be much cheaper and less painful just to shove some old newspaper inside your shoes, pull your shoulders back and give the illusion of being taller, I wonder if they’ll start to do it on the NHS.
Just asking for a friend...