My baby my hero

Salvation came in the shape of my gorgeous daughter

Then, just a month later, in May 2016, everything changed.

I took a pregnancy test and... Positive.

‘Mum,’ I gasped down the phone. ‘I’m pregnant!’ ‘Are you sure?’ she asked. I went round to Mum’s, the test wrapped in a tissue in my bag.

‘Don’t worry, everything will be OK,’ she said.

I was freaking out... Didn’t know how my partner would react.

And I was skin and bones, eating like a bird. In no shape to carry a baby.

Then, six weeks later, me and my partner split. Maybe I shouldn’t have it? I thought. I could barely look after myself, after all. But two weeks later, at my first scan, that little white bean I saw on the screen made my mind up for me. My baby! I was instantly in love. And when the sonographer explained my low weight could be harmful to my baby, I knew something had to change. I’ll be honest, the thought of eating scared me. But the thought of harming the precious life inside me was even more frightening. So, gradually, I started eating more, having food little and often. I didn’t eat big meals, I just ate throughout the day. At first, it was difficult. I was scared I’d be sick. But, ironically, I didn’t suffer morning sickness at all. As the pregnancy progressed, I watched my tummy grow. I thought it’d be traumatic. In fact, it was the one thing that kept me going, encouraged me to keep eating. And when I felt my baby

kick, my heart soared. I refused counselling – I wanted to do this alone. And I didn’t want any medication.

I still had hard days, when I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat.

But I wouldn’t let myself.

‘Think about your baby,’ I’d tell myself.

Then, at six months pregnant, my appetite suddenly came roaring back.

I ate anything and everything!

Just a week off my February 2017 due date, I weighed almost 12st. The biggest I’d ever been. And the happiest. And ready to be a mummy! I moved into a new home, gave myself a fresh start, felt mentally stronger.

And on 5 February, with Mum by my side, I was induced at Carlisle Hospital.

I went into labour – and five hours later, at 7.15pm, Anntonia-marie was born, weighing 6lb 10oz.

And my daughter was in perfect health.

‘Hello, you,’ I whispered as I held her. ‘You saved my life.’ We went home the next day. And although there’s no doubt being a new mum is hard, Anntonia-marie gave my life a new purpose. Over the next months, I ate healthily – three meals a day with lots of fruit and vegetables – and did moderate exercise. And my weight evened out at 10st 7lb.

Looking back, I feel so sad seeing how bullying triggered a cycle of bulimia and self-harming.

If I’d carried on the way I was, I shudder to think what state I’d be in now.

But salvation came in the shape of my gorgeous daughter. Thanks to her, life is great. I eat absolutely everything, love cooking, but most of all, I love being a mummy.

My baby has given my life true meaning.