A letter to… My tiny saviour

When life was tough, you gave me the strength to carry on

Dear Gracie,

Pushing your buggy into the Maternity ward, you smiled up at me.

I’ll never forget your confused little face, Gracie. Because soon, a sonographer was smearing cold jelly on my tummy.

‘There are two heartbeats,’ she announced. Twins.

But instead of celebrating, I started to cry.

It was May 2016 and you were still just 1. With two more babies on the way, I was terrified.

How would I take care of everyone? I already had you and your big brother, Alfie, then 4.

Your daddy – Anthony, 28 – worked nights as a social worker.

He said we’d manage, but I couldn’t see how.

What if I couldn’t give you all the love and attention you deserved?

I plastered on a fake smile for you – but as the months went on, I felt utterly alone.

I spiralled into a deep depression. Sitting on the sofa one night, I couldn’t hold back my sobs of despair.

You climbed up on my lap, and snuggled around my growing bump.

‘Love you, Mummy,’ you whispered, and I twirled my fingers through your soft brown curls. It was hypnotic, so relaxing. ‘Mummy better?’ you asked after a while, smiling. I nodded, lying to us both. But despite my low mood, you were so positive. A ray of sunshine amongst the growing clouds. In September 2016, when I was six months pregnant, we were in the garden. As you played with Alfie, I felt paralysed with fear for the future. Convinced I was a failure, I started to think that you and Alfie would be better off without me. That’s when I looked up and saw you holding a daisy in your hand. ‘For you,’ you beamed. ‘Thank you for everything you do.’ I thought my heart would burst with love for you. Though I felt as if the world was caving in on me, you always found a way to show me it wasn’t. You gave me the strength to carry on. In December 2016, I gave birth to your new little brothers Jake and Barney. ‘Two babies!’ you giggled, thrilled. My happy-golucky little girl, you saw the funny side of everything. But caring for the four of you was so tough. And when I sat in darkness during the nights, feeding the twins, I felt like the only person awake in the world. It took everything I had not to resent them. But in the morning, you’d get up, beaming. Playing with your dolls on the floor. You were such great company. The doctor picked up on how much I was struggling, and diagnosed me with postnatal depression. I started having counselling. Learnt to take things a day at a time, appreciating special moments with all my babies. Watching you kissing the twins’ cheeks, stroking their hair, I began to realise that they hadn’t taken anything away from you or Alfie. In fact, there was more than enough love to go round. Now you’re almost 4, and you’ve started pre-school. Your teacher tells me you’re popular and chatty. The first to put their hand up in class, the first to put an arm around a new child. And I’m not surprised. You have always been so caring. Thanks for being my light in the dark, Gracie. You showed me that I could survive, no matter what. Love always,

Mummy x

Laura Davidson, 29, Huddersfield, West Yorkshire

If you’re struggling with low moods or depression, the mental health charity Mind can help. Visit mind.org.uk