I couldn’t escape my rapist – even at school
I thought he loved me, then his true colours came out... Tammy Wilkinson, 20
Life-changing. That’s how I’d describe meeting Josh.
Only, back then, I thought that it was in a good way...
We were best of friends in secondary school, and we went everywhere together.
Aged 12, Josh Harwood lived a 10-minute walk from my nan’s house, where I lived, so we’d walk to and from school every day, nattering non-stop.
Josh was really tall, with short, dark hair. A joker, he made me laugh, was always the centre of attention.
We were just mates for a long time – but, one day two years later, as we walked home, Josh nudged my arm...
‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ he asked.
‘I’d like that,’ I giggled happily.
I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather be with.
Josh treated me so well, carried my school bag, even cooked me dinners, like spaghetti Bolognese.
It was so easy falling in love with him.
Then, one night in 2013, Josh, 15, suggested we take the next step...
I was only 14, a virgin. The thought of sex made me feel really nervous.
But I loved him and didn’t want to let him down. ‘If you want to, OK,’ I said. Next night, we went to bed together at his house. ‘I’ll be gentle,’ Josh said as we had sex for the first time.
Afterward, he told me it’d been amazing.
Closer than ever, I couldn’t have loved him more.
But, over the next few weeks, Josh changed.
‘Don’t wear that,’ he’d say if I wore a short skirt. ‘And your make-up’s too tarty.’
Hurt and frightened that I’d lose him, I agreed.
But I couldn’t seem to please him. He was constantly critical, and picked on everything that I said or did.
‘You’re useless!’ he’d shout at me, annoyed. I didn’t recognise him. Is this all because we had sex? I didn’t know what else had changed. If I try harder, he’ll be nice to me again, I thought. Now our walks to school and back were filled with a chilly silence. I was so scared to say the wrong thing. I really missed the old, kind Josh so much.
And then, one night in April 2014, Josh did something from which there was no coming back.
As we watched a film in his bedroom, Josh shoved me onto my back, and pulled up my school skirt, fiddling with his zip. I knew what was coming.
‘No, Josh! Stop!’ I pleaded with him. Instead, he forced himself on me, clamping his hand over my mouth. In shock and terror, I tried to push him off, but he was too heavy. I had no choice, but lay quietly sobbing as he raped me, his parents in the room next door. I wanted to call out for help, but he told me not to make a sound.
It felt as if it would never end. Eventually, Josh stopped and got up.
I pulled down my skirt, unable to control the tears streaming down my face.
‘I’m so sorry, Tammy. That wasn’t me. I won’t do that again,’ he promised.
All trace of darkness had gone from his face.
Looking back at me was just Josh.
My best friend. My first love.
I was so confused and scared. ‘It’s OK, don’t worry,’ I said. But, three days later, at his house, he did it again.
I thrashed about, tried to get him off, make it stop.
But he kicked me and sunk his teeth into my arms.
He wouldn’t stop biting until I gave in.
And, as he raped me, the insults continued.
‘Why aren’t you a better girlfriend? You asked for this!’ he raged.
I was numb, a wreck.
For the next few days, I dodged Josh, couldn’t face him. ‘I’ve homework to do,’ I lied. But Josh flooded me with texts, declaring how much he loved me, how sorry he was.
I’ll never hurt you again,
I love you...
I loved him, too. And
I wanted to believe him.
Still only 15, I didn’t know if this behaviour was normal.
But I knew it was frightening and degrading. And I was
The thought of sex made me feel really nervous
terrified of what he’d do.
I didn’t want to worry my 72-year-old nan, so I stayed quiet. Suffered silently for the next month.
Finally, somehow,
I found the courage I needed. Anxious, I sent Josh a text. You don’t love me. All you do is hurt me. It’s over, I wrote.
He tried hard to make me change my mind.
But I couldn’t go back now.
At school, I did everything to avoid Josh.
I ate lunch in the classroom, and dashed home at the end of the day.
Then, a few weeks later, there was a knock at the door at home.
I was shocked to see two policemen standing there.
‘Josh turned himself in. He said he raped you,’ one said.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – and, when Nan heard, she was devastated.
‘I wish you’d told me, love,’ she wept.
The next day, Josh was arrested. Denied the charges. ‘But he handed himself in!’ I cried, distressed.
For two years, the police built a case, and gathered evidence.
Then finally, in June 2016, Josh Harwood, 17, appeared in court, charged with two counts of rape with a female under 16 and one count of sexual activity with another female child.
He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to five years detention at a young offenders institute, and ordered to sign the sex offenders register for life.
Hearing his sentence, I felt sick.
I’d hoped for a harsher sentence – I felt that he’d got off lightly.
I recently heard that Josh has been released on licence after two years of his sentence.
I wish I could say that I was free, too.
I still have awful flashbacks, but I refuse to let them ruin my life.
I’m engaged to a lovely man now, and have three beautiful children who make me so happy.
I thought that Josh was my first love.
But it turned out that my childhood sweetheart had no heart at all.
I’d hoped for a harsher sentence – he got off lightly